So it's finally happened, despite my naivete in thinking it wouldn't: my humble blog has been dragged out from its dark burrow in the recesses of the Internet jungle and into the light of day. It has been discovered, a new species, quite a bit like one that had already been identified, but with subtle distinctive quirks and crass tendencies. One of J's relatives has glimpsed what I stupidly regarded as a semi-private reserve of thoughts.
My first reaction at finding that someone I never expected to enter this world had penetrated it was one of horror. I mean, these people liked me (I hope), and now they know that I use profanity, and laugh at drunk people, and stare at tennis players' asses, and have bachelorette parties with naked strippers, and that I'm lazy at work. What could they possibly think of me now?
But then I started thinking: this may very well be the root of my insecurities. Growing up, my friends' parents always liked me. I was a good student, a "good influence". The guilt I felt when I went out drinking with these friends, or smoked cigarettes with them, or stayed out too late with them, this is the same guilt I felt when I made the decision to move in with J--even though we were engaged, and even though it made no sense to do otherwise--because of my father's disapproval. This is the same guilt I feel when I am in a bad mood and worry that I might have come across as a bitch; my god, how will anyone ever like me again? This is the same guilt I feel when I have said or written something that was taken the wrong way and may have hurt someone, even though I never intended it as such. It is a deep ache that is difficult to resolve because at the heart of it is a fear to let people know who I really am, because if I do, they may not like me anymore.
The irony here is this: One of the things I love best about J's family is that I have always felt that I could be myself around them, and that they really liked me for who I am. I have never tried, or felt the need, to put on airs. In fact, I harbor guilt over this as well, because it is difficult when you realize that you feel more at ease with someone else's family that you do with your own. I am excited that I am becoming a part of their family. The thought that I may have done something to offend one of them is very painful.
So that leads me to this: I am not ashamed of anything I have written here. I am an adult. This is who I am. I swear. I can be pretty crass. I am not easily offended. I am more easily hurt than most people realize. The main purpose for this blog is to be entertaining (not sure if I'm entirely successful at it yet). I try to write things here that make people laugh, with the occasional rant thrown in for good measure. If you know me in person, I hope that I can be true enough to myself every day so that nothing you read here would change your opinion of me. And if it does, I will just have to accept that, because I can not go on feeling like I can only show my full self to some people and hide some parts from others. Because if I can't accept all of myself at once, how can I expect others to do the same?
Thanks to J, who knows me inside and out and loves me anyway.
And to P: I am changing my name because it means a lot to him, not because I have to. Also, it will allow me to fit my full name when I sign receipts and things; I always said I would only date men with short last names! ;)