Last night I was faced with the most unfortunate task of having to purchase an embarrassing feminine hygiene product (EFHP). For the record, it was neither tampons nor a pregnancy test, as I am too old to give a shit about buying the former, and I expect that when it comes time to buy the latter, I will be quite happy about it.
My initial plan of action was to purchase the EFHP at the grocery store, so that it might be safely camouflaged among the healthy, organic foods in my cart ("Look, she's such a healthy eater! This EFHP must be for someone else, as this woman could not possibly need it.") Unfortunately, the grocery store was out of the particular EFHP that I was looking for, and so I was forced to head to the local Walgreens, where I needed absolutely nothing but said EFHP.
In Walgreen's, I meandered first through the cosmetics department, picking up some body lotion so that I would not have to purchase the EFHP by itself. Perhaps the EFHP could just hide underneath the lotion, and no one would even have to know a thing! Yes, that's it. Lotion, in hand, I headed toward the EFHP aisle, which thankfully, was empty. Just as I began to reach towards the EFHP of my choice, I sensed a presence behind me. Surely it was someone just passing by, I thought, as the unspoken drugstore rule is to NEVER stand directly behind anyone selecting condoms, hemmorhoid cream, enemas, or EFHPs.
EFHP in hand, I turned around to find--to my horror--a couple in their early 20s standing literally a foot behind me. They had broken the unspoken drugstore rule! How dare they! To make matters worse, the mirrors along the ceilings allowed me to notice that the male of the couple was staring at me (disgustedly?) as I walked away from him. Cocksucker.
I was so ready to get out of there. So I headed upfront where, not entirely surprisingly, there were no cashiers working the regular registers--only 2 youngish guys checking people out at the photo counter. And I'm sorry, but there was no way I was going to purchase my EFHP at the photo counter! In the end, I flagged down a female cashier who'd been posted at the cosmetics counter but had strayed away to help some old lady pick out vitamins. I think she was trying not to laugh at me after I'd followed her all the way back to the cosmetics department only to plunk down a bottle of lotion and the EFHP. Bitch.
I called my friend S to share in my horror, and she had a suggestion I may follow next time: just buy 5 or 10 of the damned things so you won't have to deal with the humiliation again for a long, long time. And they were on sale last night too. Dammit.