Saturday, August 25, 2007

maybe she was just trying to be her own blonde joke

If you know any girls who are aspiring to become pageant contestants, just show them this clip to talk them out of it.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


watching coverage of Hurricane Dean on the Today show, and secretly hoping Al Roker gets knocked down by the wind again.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

feeling older than the bands I saw this weekend

We spent last weekend at a 4-day music festival. Due to my present condition, I was the only sober person in the entire park (and believe me, there were 72 different types of non-sober going on in that place--it was, after all, a hippie fest). There were 2 specific instances in which I felt I might as well have been wearing "mom jeans".

1) I came out of the port-a-potty to find J talking to a cute girl who I soon realized was quite drunk (could it have been when she introduced herself to me twice in a 3-minute span? Hmmm, maybe.) I was starting to get annoyed that J wasn't trying to break off the conversation so we could go back to the show when the girl pulled out a vicodin and announced that it was just what she needed to make her buzz complete. Without thinking about it, I pointed a mom-like finger at her and said "now you be careful, you don't want to drink too much with that." That pretty much ended the conversation, to my embarrassment and relief.

2) We spent a very hot and sunny Saturday afternoon at a smaller beach-side stage watching some local bands. At one point, a girl wandered by, clutching a huge bottle of vodka and telling anyone who would listen that it was her 21st birthday. Not missing an opportunity, J shouted "it's her birthday too!" pointing at me. The girl came over to us and asked if it was my 21st too, to which I had to sadly reply "it's been a long time since my 21st birthday", while feeling my skin get wrinklier and my flab get flabbier. Before she walked away I pulled out the mom-finger again, aiming it towards her vodka bottle and said "now you be careful drinking too much in the sun, it's dangerous!"

I think maybe I embarrassed J a little too, but I don't care since he had the luxury of being under the influence.

I learned 2 very important lessons at the festival:

First, that it is very possible to enjoy a concert while sober. This may seem obvious to some people but when you don't really remember ever doing it before, it's kind of a revelation.

Second, that when you go into a port-a-potty at a festival full of hippies, and you start thinking how lucky you are because the seat is clean and it's equipped with several full rolls of toilet paper, you probably just haven't gotten around to noticing the finger-streaks of shit smeared on the wall.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

sex while pregnant

a post-coital conversation...

J: Sorry for the intrusion.

Me: What intrusion?

J: I wasn't talking to you.

Friday, August 03, 2007

do you have to let it linger?

Over the last 2 days, I had some wicked sciatica pain acting up. What was the worst thing about it? Was it the shuffling around the grocery store feeling like a 98-year-old woman in a housecoat? Was it the inability to find a comfortable sitting position? Or perhaps the need to grab onto walls and furniture to get around my house?

No, the worst thing about my back pain was when I let out a really terrible fart and was then forced to stand in its cloud because I couldn't get away fast enough.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

A TRUE post-pregnancy-announcement conversation

J's Grandma: So, where are you going to put the baby?

J: If it's ugly, in the attic.

[We kid, people, we kid!]