Thursday, February 23, 2006

Today, the Reviews of New Food at McSweeney's had me rolling with laugher. Enjoy!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

So apparently, you are exempt from federal drug laws if you can justify breaking them on the grounds of being delusional.

Hey, government! I've come to realize that the only way I can connect with god is by dropping acid and then running naked through the electronics department at Wal-Mart every Saturday. Better not try to stop me...THIS IS MY RELIGION, after all.

Anyone want to join my new church? God likes it when you donate at half your earnings to your church leader. While you're at it, you can scoop my cats' litter boxes, too. I'll be waiting with the Kool-Aid when you're finished.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

I have always prided myself on being a brave and cooperative dental patient. I have never been afraid of the dentist, and even handle novacaine shots fairly well despite my confirmed phobia of needles.

However, according to the dental hygienist I had the pleasure of spending time with this afternoon, I am:

1) Doing a terrible job with my flossing
2) Doing an even worse job brushing, so that:
3) I have been systematically causing my gums to recede (and they DON'T GROW BACK)and this has resulted in
4) near-exposure of the roots of my molars so that:
5) I AM KILLING MY TEETH AND GUMS AND am doomed to a future of unenjoyable eating and sure tooth-death

All this was delivered with the pleasant type of bedside manner you might expect from Dr. Laura, along with a rather non-gentle (read--a half hour of jabbing and stabbing my mouth) tooth cleaning.

All I can say is, thank god she isn't my gynecologist.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I Love:

-the way he giggles when I get him in those tickles-so-much-but-feels-so-good spots

-that I'm convinced he can read my mind

-the way he walks through the kitchen on his toes in the morning

-that he can make me laugh until my face hurts

-that he sometimes wears mismatched argyle socks on purpose

-that he brings me coupons

-that he still plans romantic surprises, and still brings me flowers

-the way his voice sounds on the radio

-watching him "do" his hair

-the way he smells

-knowing he would get into a fight over me (even though I wouldn't want him to)

-the way he tries to protect me when I cross the street

-that he comes to get me when he finds a cool bug in the yard

-his karaoke impressions of Christopher Cross, Neil Young, and Ronnie James Dio

-that I married him

Happy First Married Valentine's Day!