The perfect gift for everyone in my family

I came across the Flat-D Innovations website a while back, and I have to admit, I can't say that I actually hate their product line, but it obviously lends itself to being intensely ridiculed. The Flat-D (as in flatulence deodorizer) website promises that it's products will "eliminate your flatulence odor problem as soon as you start using it." Now that's some guarantee! I'd actually like to run my own mini-clinical trial, as I'm pretty sure I know some of the world's biggest producers of malodorous gases.

In case you were too fucking lazy to look at the website for yourself, Flat-D Innovations sell a line of activated charcoal products designed to eliminate the scent of your farts. You can buy underwear, reusable pads to put in your underwear, chair pads, and even face masks. Now, the underwear pads make a lot of sense to me--they're discreet, presumably allowing you to let 'em rip on the subway without making anyone around you pass out. I don't think, however, that the Flat-D pads are strong enough to muffle the sound of a large post-bean burrito pooter, so you may want to avoid freely passing gas, say, in the Self Help section of your local Barnes & Noble. Perhaps they should develop a charcoal pad enveloped in soundproof insulating material--now THAT would be an innovation!

From what my mother tells me about my dad's daily habits, I think he might like to invest in a Flat-D chair pad for his computer chair. Supposedly his gaseous eliminations have all but disintegrated the stylish tweed covering, and there is enough odor build-up that even the cats are repelled immediately upon jumping up there.

Another idea I'd like to pitch to the folks at Flat-D: how about a charcoal liner for the bedsheets? I can't tell you how many times my wonderful life-mate has lifted the sheets just so, blasting me directly in the nostrils with a gas so noxious they might want to consider using it at the next incarnation of Abu Ghraib.

For now, we have the charcoal underwear. It's a start, but until my entire family is outfitted in charcoal-lined jumpsuits, the world remains in great peril.