Wednesday, March 30, 2005

How lazy do you have to get?

I'll readily admit it: I am one lazy woman. I'd like to have children so that I can assign them household chores, but then I realize that I am too lazy to train them over the 4 or 5 years it would take to make them the perfect "Mommy's Little Helpers" (the pills are probably a better idea). I would rather let a container of leftovers solidify into a green, alien mass than to take the 5 seconds to empty it out and put it in the dishwasher. The last time I cleaned out the litterbox it was no longer scoopable (unless I'd had a scoop big enough to pick up the entire now-solid litter BLOCK).

However, there is one thing even I--a woman who once slept on the pullout couch because I was too lazy to put the clean sheets on the bed--am NOT too lazy to do, and that's BOIL PASTA. Which brings me to today's item I Love to Hate: Kraft Foods' "It's Pasta Anytime" line of pre-cooked pasta meals. According to the product website, the It's Pasta Anytime products are "never frozen" and thus can "be stored in your cabinet." Last time I checked, I was successfully able to store regular pasta in my cabinet without too much hassle. Even if that stuff spills out of the box, you can probably just scoop it up, remove the mouse droppings, throw it in some boiling water, and you're good to go!

Kraft also claims that the It's Pasta Anytime meals are "sealed at the peak of pasta perfection." I'll admit, I probably don't often end up with perfect al dente pasta with the regular boiling method, but as long as it doesn't perforate my gums or turn to slime on my tongue, it's edible.

As far as their claim "makes a perfect meal anytime", well, that's what I always thought about REGULAR pasta! The perfect "default" dinner for the lazy gal. But what about the sauce, you might ask? Surely a person as lazy as yourself can't be bothered with sauces?! Crazy as it sounds, and as lazy as I am, I've never found it troublesome to dump a jar of sauce into a pan. (We won't discuss the issues of putting-of-the-leftover-sauce-into-the-refrigerator or the cleaning-up-of-the-sauce-pan-within-a-reasonable-number-of-days...).

And just LOOK at these cooking directions:

1. Peel top film off and set aside.
2. Pour pasta evenly into tray.
3. Pour sauce evenly around the edge of the pasta.

Let's just stop right here. Pouring? This involves pouring things?! Evenly??!!
4. Lay film back on tray to control splatters. Last time I checked, controlling splatters was NOT on the lazy gal's agenda.
5. Heat on HIGH for 2 to 3 minutes.CAUTION: Tray may be hot.
6. Stir sauce into pasta to combine; serve.

In addition to these highly complex instructions, the Kraft website includes a comprehensive table of microwave wattages and recommended cooking times. What, they think the people buying It's Pasta Anytime are too lazy to boil water, yet not lazy enough to forgo navigating a wattage directory?

I think the real reason I love to hate It's Pasta Anytime products are because they are an attempt to make something so easy, easier, and totally fuck it up in the process. If you're too lazy--or perhaps, STUPID, to make pasta, you should just starve to death.


BeckyBumbleFuck said...

This post is hysterical!
I love products that enable laziness... ;)

Nickolas said...

To me it's not about laziness, it's about portability.
This was the perfect product for me to take to work/school for lunch.
It was just the right size. I miss this product dearly :(