Dear Lady From the Office Across the Hall Who I Often Run Into in the Bathroom,

How old are you, anyway? From the way you walk and your slight hunch, I'd guess about 80. Your facelift isn't fooling anybody. Seriously, you look like Joan Rivers, but much, much older. I know you work in the law office across the hall, but somehow I doubt you are a lawyer. What do you do over there? And WHERE is it you go every day after work? I see you most days in the bathroom around 4:30, standing in front of the mirror reapplying makeup and fixing your hair. It takes you forever. Guess what--you still look 80, even with fresh lipstick. I heard that you go to a bar most days after work and hang out. Are you trying to pick up men (EWWWW!)? I don't get the feeling that you're a drunk. Shouldn't you be home knitting things for your great-grandchildren? Seriously, lady, you weird me out. Especially the way you won't touch the door handle with your bare hands when you leave the bathroom (even though I can still smell your crotch odor after you leave the stall. Thanks for that.)

Sincerely,
Someone Who Uses the Same Bathroom as You in Your Office Building