Monday, January 30, 2006

I was in a carefree mood as I drove the last block to our house. Then, I saw them--a giant swarm of them--meandering along the road. Heading towards OUR house. Their eyes darted to and fro, yet they retained an almost nonchalant appearance, as if to say "pay no mind, we're just passing through, NO NEED to worry...", though in reality they are plotting their next moves. How to divide and conquer the entire block. How to infiltrate and penetrate each and every soul.

I panicked. My heart began to race, and I realized that there was no way I could avoid them. I would pull just past them before pulling into the driveway; I could not possibly avoid being seen. Then, even more horrifying, they would know that I was home. They moved slowly, surely plotting when to make their move for me, when to approach. I darted quickly into the house, and headed straight upstairs, where I VERY carefully peered between the blinds to keep an eye on the determined swarm. I watched as they split into groups and slipped quietly up to the front steps of the houses across the street. How were they selecting their course? My breath quickened with fear.

Assuming my side of the street to be momentarily safe, I placed a panicked phone call to J. "There are tons of them out there!" I said "They are moving up and down the street, and I don't know if they've already been here and I don't know where they're headed, and they KNOW that I'm here. They saw me, I'm sure of it!"

He replied calmly, "I already talked to them. Didn't you see The Watchtower and the Awake! magazine on the table?"

Yes, dear readers, I married a man who is completely and utterly unafraid of answering the door when the Jehovah's Witnesses (or the Mormons, for that matter) come calling. He told me that not only did he allow them to read to him a verse from the Bible, he gave them his opinions on the misuse of the Bible by many of our government leaders, and told them that they should check into that. Gotta love him.

9 comments:

kristin said...

That's awesome. Go J! When I was about 14, I was living in WY w/ my dad and step-mom. I woke up on a Saturday morning because the dog was barking like crazy at someone knocking at the door forEVER. I came out of my room and my parents were just sitting there on the couch, not talking, TV turned off. "What are you doing?" "Shhhhhhh. Damnit, they'll hear you. Now YOU have to go talk to them." We lived like 10 miles out of town, no neighbors, so it's not like they could go next door or anything. We were it, and they weren't going anywhere. I had forgotten all about that until I read this.

kristin said...

Also. I'm brain dead today, so in case that joke was just funny in my head and you were going "Yeah, so who the hell was at the door?" I thought I'd mention it was the Mormons.

Lever said...

LOL nice ;)

Hey, how come you get a swarm? I only had 2 here... a very good looking woman in her late 40s accompanied by some shrivelled mute simian, also possibly female.

And a reading too, Sheesh, how lucky are you? Maybe I was a little too quick in stating my love of ancient mother earth above all other false idols, so they told me they thought that was nice and left me to it... or were they repelled by the sounds of Slayer trying to break down the living room door?

Now, has J read his literature yet? LOL

Chrysanthemum said...

We don't get them in my neighborhood too often, but when they do, we don't have to worry about them wanting us to answer the door. Logan usually takes care of that for us by jumping on the door and barking in a a really scary way. It's the only time he gets praised for doing something like that.

I can picture what they say to one another... Let them save themselves!

Kat E said...

Kristin--Too funny. I imagine my kids will have a similar experience if anyone ever comes and J isn't home.

Lever--I will admit that "swarm" was a bit of creative license. There were, however, at least 8 of them (but they went to the doors in pairs). Guess they were trying to maximize coverage. I'll have to blast some Slayer next time.

Chrys--Loki is a barker too, but I guess they just pray for safety before they get to our door. Maybe I should put some kind of pentagram or wiccan symbol outside to screw with them...

Jay said...

I used to have to walk through about a dozen of them on my way to work on Sunday mornings, when they would swarm our neighbourhood downtown. After the first two weeks, I became known, and just raising my eyebrows made them cross the street.

Kat E said...

Jay, I wish there was some kind of beacon I could shine that would make you rush down to my house when I see them coming!

BeckyBumbleFuck said...

Yeah, I'm just like J. But only to the cute ones. To the others I just say, "I'm an aetheist" and slam the door.

Lever said...

LOL Slayer it is then :)

Sod's law - they came 'round on Sunday bloody morning didn't they? *sigh* But I had a hangover and was in no mood to answer the door to anybody. The dessicated chimp on this ocassion (sp?) was a male I think... I twitched the curtain after they'd limped away...