Thursday, June 23, 2005

even educated fleas do it

Have you ever seen tortoises fucking? I did once, at the zoo, of course. I'm talking about those huge, 300-year-old tortoises the size of bathtubs. Their sex is pretty much exactly what you'd imagine: incredibly slow and fairly clumsy. The one surprise, for me anway, was that they grunt while they're doing it. The male climbs up onto the female's back--not all the way, of course, he just gets his front legs (flippers? feet?) about halfway up the back of his lover's shell. Every couple of minutes, he thrusts, the motion accompanied by a rumbling grunt. It's rather loud, especially when you didn't realize tortoises ever made any noise. The noise is sort of what you'd expect from a really old man getting up out of his armchair or shitting his pants unexpectedly. I think the best part about witnessing the tortoise fucking was the fact that the female seemed completely uninterested in what was going on. In fact, she had bits of slimy chewed lettuce stuck to her mouth, and a long, viscous stream of drool streaming slowly to the ground. That's hot.

Next time I'll tell you about the time I saw a zebra masturbating at the zoo...

5 comments:

ergo said...

I got to observe much smaller tortoises attempt to mate. The male got too worked up about mounting the female to notice that he was mounting her head. (or maybe he was looking for something else ...?)
The female was having nothing to do with him. She stayed tucked in her shell and determined to wait it out.

Jay said...

I wonder how long it takes him to "finish".

Kat E said...

Jay, I stood there and watched for a long time, but it became painfully obvious that they'd probably be going at it until closing time, and I had poo-flinging monkeys to see, dammit!

BeckyBumbleFuck said...

It sounds like that boy turtle had beer goggles. Or maybe, he's a frat tutle and will f**k anything with a hole...hmmmm, what species does that sound like? ;)

Depth of Fish said...

I see a different take on the classic story, The Tortoise and the Hare.