Monday, December 08, 2008

a letter to my new maids

Dear New Cleaning People,

While I am glad to have you as replacements for the former cleaning guy, who stopped showing up after being arrested for robbery (and then subsequently, according to The Advocate's "Dumb Criminals" section, stole a SHORT BUS and used it to lift a flat-screen TV and a bunch of booze from someone's home), I am not completely satisfied with the way you clean my house.

Obviously, I am appreciative of your willingness not to mention the stains on my mattress cover when you change my sheets, or the Playboy magazine in the bathroom, or the many, many, piles of clutter created by my husband that you must navigate around while attempting to dust.

However, it does not appear that you vacuumed my living room rug today. Do you realize that I have a 9 month old whose favorite game is "lick the rug when Mommy isn't looking"? Also, I specifically left the cat vomit stain on the floor next to the couch for you to tackle (because really, I may as well get the most for my money) but you seem to have overlooked it. And, how could you not have noticed that the couch is absolutely covered in cat hair? If you mistakenly thought it was part of the design, I do apologize.

If you'll allow me to get really anal retentive, I will say that despite being a crooked thief, my former cleaner always ensured that my tea kettle was shiny and spotless. I can only hope that you will begin to pay a little more attention to detail on future visits.

The Woman Who Has No Idea How Much She Is Supposed to Tip You, But Thinks That Maybe You'd Get More If You Moved The Ottoman Once in a While


fishlamp said...

"lick the rug when Mommy isn't looking" is a fun game. I remember loving to play that game when I was little. Not so much anymore now that I'm in my 30s, but still.

Jay said...

Hun, this is an awesome post, though it seems to be borne in pain. :)

Kel Bel said...

LMAO (but still sympathetic to your pain) said...

Tell her you've left her instructional notes and when she asks "where?" Say "hmmmm. Can;t remember, under the furniture I think, somewhere that you'll find it during your REGULAR duties."
I guess armed robbers really do make the best cleaners.....