I have always prided myself on being a brave and cooperative dental patient. I have never been afraid of the dentist, and even handle novacaine shots fairly well despite my confirmed phobia of needles.

However, according to the dental hygienist I had the pleasure of spending time with this afternoon, I am:

1) Doing a terrible job with my flossing
2) Doing an even worse job brushing, so that:
3) I have been systematically causing my gums to recede (and they DON'T GROW BACK)and this has resulted in
4) near-exposure of the roots of my molars so that:
5) I AM KILLING MY TEETH AND GUMS AND am doomed to a future of unenjoyable eating and sure tooth-death

All this was delivered with the pleasant type of bedside manner you might expect from Dr. Laura, along with a rather non-gentle (read--a half hour of jabbing and stabbing my mouth) tooth cleaning.

All I can say is, thank god she isn't my gynecologist.