Confessions of a Serial Procrastinator

Happy New Year from my house to yours

2009-01-02T08:46:00.005-05:00

Last night I got into bed and, in an attempt to begin one of my so-called "resolutions", I began to write in one of the numerous blank journal books that have accumulated in my house over the years. Then, the following conversation occurred:

J: What's that, your fart journal? [begin high-pitched imitation voice, tinged with inexplicable British aristocrat accent] "Dear Fart Journal, I farted SO many times today. At least 7, but I'm not sure, I think I lost count. What EVER could I have eaten that caused so many farts?"

Me: Well actually, I just want to write down one thing every day that I am thankful for.

[I look at J and think maybe he thinks this is an impressive idea]

Me: And also, I thought it might be helpful to write down some, like, personal affirmations or something, to help me be healthier.

[I notice the beginnings of a smirk on his face].

Me: Go ahead, laugh at me, whatever.

J: I liked the Fart Journal better.

a letter to my new maids

2008-12-08T11:32:00.003-05:00

Dear New Cleaning People,

While I am glad to have you as replacements for the former cleaning guy, who stopped showing up after being arrested for robbery (and then subsequently, according to The Advocate's "Dumb Criminals" section, stole a SHORT BUS and used it to lift a flat-screen TV and a bunch of booze from someone's home), I am not completely satisfied with the way you clean my house.

Obviously, I am appreciative of your willingness not to mention the stains on my mattress cover when you change my sheets, or the Playboy magazine in the bathroom, or the many, many, piles of clutter created by my husband that you must navigate around while attempting to dust.

However, it does not appear that you vacuumed my living room rug today. Do you realize that I have a 9 month old whose favorite game is "lick the rug when Mommy isn't looking"? Also, I specifically left the cat vomit stain on the floor next to the couch for you to tackle (because really, I may as well get the most for my money) but you seem to have overlooked it. And, how could you not have noticed that the couch is absolutely covered in cat hair? If you mistakenly thought it was part of the design, I do apologize.

If you'll allow me to get really anal retentive, I will say that despite being a crooked thief, my former cleaner always ensured that my tea kettle was shiny and spotless. I can only hope that you will begin to pay a little more attention to detail on future visits.

Sincerely,
The Woman Who Has No Idea How Much She Is Supposed to Tip You, But Thinks That Maybe You'd Get More If You Moved The Ottoman Once in a While

gobble gobble!

2008-11-27T08:24:00.002-05:00

Let's be blunt, things really suck right now for a whole lot of people. People in the US losing their homes, struggling to feed their kids, wondering how they will afford their medicine. People in Mumbai being held hostage by terrorists. Kids in Africa, hungry and orphaned because of AIDS.

It's easy to get caught up in our own insignificant problems, but today especially, I have nothing but gratitude in my heart for the many blessings I have in my life.

A beautiful, happy, healthy baby who brings me boundless joy.

A loving husband who is madly in love with his little girl.

Secure jobs that allow us to keep a roof over our head, food on our table, and more.

Loving, caring family.

Wonderful friends: new and old, near and far.

A home that I love in a safe area.

The fact that I lost all the baby weight, even if I'm still up 20 pounds (ok...30) from my wedding weight...

Hoping you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!

Dr. Atkins spins in his grave

2008-11-07T08:47:00.002-05:00

Our evenings are usually pretty hectic. I pick Maia up from daycare at 5 (around the same time J gets home). Maia gets dinner around 5:30 and the bedtime routine starts about an hour later. You can see why J and I don't normally eat dinner until about 8. J is pretty good about asking if he can help get dinner started while I put Maia to bed. He's no Cordon Bleu chef but, unlike his brother, he does know that you need to boil water *before* adding the pasta to the pot.

So, the other night J asks if he can get something started for dinner, and I told him there was an open box of pasta in the cupboard. So, he looks at the box, which was only half full, since I had previously used half the pasta for another dinner. He complained, "this is all there is?", and, too tired to argue that half a box of pasta really was plenty for 2 people, I told him he could find more pasta in the pantry. He proceeded to cook a full box of penne--serving each of us half the box.

A few minutes later, I hear him turning on the oven. He comes back from the freezer with a frozen pizza. "What are you doing? You must be pretty hungry, huh?," I asked. "This is the bread dish," was the reply. And here I thought it was important to have a *vegetable* dish with dinner. Silly me.

catching up

2008-11-05T22:17:00.003-05:00

I've really been absent around here...not that anyone probably even bothers to check anymore! Somehow I just can't let this blog totally go.

With last night's Obama victory, I was finally able to put a lot of pent-up anxiety to rest. Listening to him speaking last night, I will admit that I got teary-eyed from the realization that we finally have an intelligent, eloquent leader, and that this election meant so very much to so many people. Watching the crowd at Grant park was amazing. I went to sleep last night knowing that in the morning I would kiss my baby and have great hope for a better future for her and others of her generation.

Now, on to some things I've been wanting to say to some people who shall remain nameless.

To person #1: I will post whatever I want there, and I don't care if it embarrasses you in front of your little Republican club. In fact, I'm quite convinced that the only reason you're so involved with that group is because you like being clique-y. I don't think you have a clue about the actual issues, and I certainly don't think you have any interest in learning.

To person #2: You and your family really disgust me. I can't believe you had the nerve to accuse Democrats of having no class or dignity after all of the vile smears you've been spreading on your page. I didn't think it was possible to be both openly gay and an ultra-right wing nutjob (closeted gay, of course, we see that all the time). Go suck a fat dick. Or should I say a skinny dick? Whichever is the least enjoyable for you.

To HR: Excuse me, but I don't want to just "assume a 9 or 10 hour work day". I have a baby at home, and a husband. I left academia (which I am seriously starting to regret) so that I could work nice, normal, 9-5 hours. This is bullshit. I'm working twice as hard as I used to and I better get a fucking raise or at least a bonus to show for it.

To my co-worker: You are a goody-two-shoes and you are fucking everything up at work. Have you ever heard of saying "no"?? You're making it harder for the rest of us who really don't feel like working 60-hour weeks. I don't want to compete with you but you're making me look bad. You talk too much and you never return my emails when I need you to. Bite me.

To person #3: You seem like a nice enough person, but could you be any more naive? Why don't you just bitch and moan some more about liberals before your next Medicare-funded OB appointment. I'm sure you have no clue that Medicare comes from the government. Maybe you should have gotten your own fucking health insurance before you got pregnant again.

I'm sure there's more, but it feels pretty good getting these out.

Friday cute attack

2008-09-12T13:20:00.003-04:00

Just to prove it's not all about the poop...here is a video of Maia meeting Grandma and Grandpa's dog Harley. She is very much into dogs and cats lately...she will do anything to get her hands (and mouth) on them. Luckily the animals in our life are mostly obliging. I don't think I've ever heard her laugh so much as she did during this meeting with Harley...

diaper doody

2008-09-09T19:33:00.003-04:00

Ever wonder why new parents spend so much time talking about baby poop? Because it's fucking fascinating, that's why!

Babies who are exclusively breast-fed have watery mustard yellow poop that smells a little like popcorn--in the same way that dogs' paws smell like popcorn, I guess. It's a little bit sweet and not really unpleasant at all. Sometimes it turns green, and when that happens it's because of an imbalance in the bacteria of the gut. So for the first 6 months or so you can enjoy not having people run like hell when your baby starts grunting and farting without being the least bit embarrassed about it, and you can even change baby's diaper right there at the airport gate on the floor without offending anyone's sense of smell.

Well, we all know babies can't live on milk forever (though it would be much more convenient for me--what with all the baby food jars and spoons and things that eating non-milk food requires). When they start adding solids to their diets, their poop starts becoming more solid as well. And I suppose I should have been prepared for some other changes, but I will admit that I was utterly surprised to find what appeared to be smashed cooked carrots in Maia's diaper today. It was as if the carrots she had at lunch yesterday had passed through her completely unchanged, like they were just taking a ride on the Chunnel and would be on their way.

But what I was *really* unprepared for was how--in the 2 seconds I stood marveling at the diaper full of pumpkin pie--Maia's little hand managed to make a swift grab at her lady parts, plucking up a chunk of carrot poop on its merry way. This is where the mommy reflexes come into play...at the same time, and as quickly as possible, the poop-infested hand must be grabbed and wiped, while keeping the other hand away from the poop-covered nether regions, not to mention blocking baby's sock-covered, kicking feet from becoming the next to fall victim to fecal staining. Then there's still the matter of actually wiping the poop from baby's bottom and maneuvering a new diaper on before she decides it's a good time to pee. Dads just can't handle this kind of high-stress situation (at least in my house, I think this scenario would have ended up with both Dad and baby covered in orange poop and Dad swearing at me as if it were my fault). Oh wait a second, I'm the only one who changes diapers in this house so, nevermind.

Hmmm, I wonder when it'll be alright to feed Maia blueberries. Maybe that day I'll insist that it's Dad's turn for diapers.

The Road to Ridiculousness

2008-08-21T07:47:00.004-04:00

Last night I finished reading the very excellent book "The Road", by Cormac McCarthy (seriously, go read it ASAP). The book was a birthday gift from my brother-in-law who I shall refer to as Miguel, as that is his extra-comical alter ego. Here is the actual transcript of a text message conversation I had with Miguel yesterday about the book.

me: OMG that book is SO good! I'm almost finished and i really want to read the rest right now but I have to work :(

Miguel: I told you!!! We will have to see the movie when it comes out!

me: btw, I didn't really enjoy the image of a headless baby charring on a spit. There is some seriously gruesome stuff in that story!

Miguel: Neither did I! But it's the only source of food! I hear it tastes like dolphin!

me: You're never babysitting.

Miguel: My plan worked!

me: I knew you were up to something! :) dolphin is pretty yummy, btw

Miguel: That's why they put it in tuna!

I should mention that Miguel is an artist and he has an online store at Etsy where he sells pretty cool t-shirts. Just sayin'. Click here to check it out...

thanks for ruining it for me

2008-08-15T10:10:00.004-04:00

Why, John Edwards? WHY?????

I liked you. I really, really liked you. You had the perfect family, you pulled through tragedies together and stayed strong. You and your wife seem so cute and down-to-earth. You advocate for the poor and seem to genuinely care about the issues you talk about. I would have voted for you in the primaries if you hadn't dropped out before I had the chance.

So you had an affair. You were married 30 years and you did tell your wife long before it became public. I can almost get over that. You're human, and people make mistakes.

But now I hear you may have paid her off with campaign money? Seriously, I didn't think you had this kind of ickiness in you. I am disappointed. Just wanted to let you know.

P.S. I still like you more than the John Edwards who pretends to communicate with the dead and makes millions off of poor unsuspecting grief-stricken people.

catching up

2008-08-12T08:55:00.004-04:00

I have gotten really behind on my blogging. I think part of it has to do with all the BlogHer coverage that I had been following--it led me to discover some really great blogs and then I just got sort of bummed that I can't churn out award-winning writing in each and every post. Silly, I know...

Anyhoo.

I am working on a post about a freak accident that happened here at the house a few weeks back. I've even got pictures. I'll post it, eventually.

Maia is on the verge of turning 6 months old. We just started trying to feed her "solid" food, and she pretty much wants nothing to do with it. When I was in grad school I had this huge Jagermeister poster in the kitchen of my apartment. It was bright orange and said "Jager, So Smooth" and had this bearded guy on it who was making a horrible grimace. Presumably he had just taken a shot. That's the face that Maia makes when rice cereal touches her lips or tongue. Or, I could just show you:
I guess my milk is just *that* good that no other food could possibly compare.

Speaking of milk, we went shopping at Target the other day (don't worry, I'll get there). Taking J to Target is always a mistake because he can't help but find tons of things he didn't know he needed or wanted. This trip he came home with an Axe shower kit, among other things. Yes, that Axe--the one with the commercials showing 18-year-old slightly dorky guys with hot blonde chicks falling all over them in the elevator after they use some Axe cologne or Axe shower gel. Apparently this advertising works on 34-year-old men as well. "But it's only 6 dollars! And it comes with this shower scrubber." Making him put it back would have been risking a tantrum so I let it slide.

I had Maia in a sling and she had started mouthing my neck, so I knew that she was getting hungry. The only thing I had left to buy was a card, so I told J I was going to head over to the card section and to meet me there. I picked out a card while Maia pecked at me like an uncoordinated chicken, and when I was finished there was still no sign of J. I started to wander back through the furniture section, where on display was a particularly attractive Ikea-style black couch, right on the end of the aisle. So, I thought "why not?", took a seat, whipped out a boob and nursed Maia right there. (See, I told you I'd get to the milk). Now, I did cover up...I don't mind nursing in public but when you are an F-cup you really don't need to attract any more gawkers than is really necessary. The only person that even paid any attention to me was an old lady who wanted to know "is that couch comfortable? I saw it in a box over there." I told her that yes, it seemed to be doing the job, at which point she actually noticed that I was nursing and apologized for interrupting. J finally wandered back around and we were able to get out of the store with only a short stop in the electronics department. I'll let you know how the Axe works out for us.

baby haiku

2008-07-24T15:52:00.004-04:00

In an effort to nurture my creative side, I've been working on some poetry--haiku, to be specific. I probably need to expand my choice of subject matter, however.

stars bright, baby stirs
mommy and daddy need sleep
clock reads 3 AM

rain falls warm and sour
drips onto shoulders and floor
please stop spitting up

a snuggling pair
baby suckles at the breast
ouch baby, don't bite!

butterscotch pudding
warm, sticky, smeared on my shirt
oops, I smell poopie

well, what do you think?

Another reason to love Feist

2008-07-16T10:44:00.004-04:00

I will admit that I haven't bought any albums by Feist. Yet. I really started to like her when I saw her appearance as a guest on The Colbert Report. And then I saw this video. And now I officially love her.

Also, I am counting down the days until I can watch Sesame Street with Maia without the American Academy of Pediatrics accusing me of deliberately trying to rot my child's brain with the evil rays of the tee-vee.

(I am editing this post to add that I am downloading a Feist album from iTunes RIGHT NOW. See what kind of publicity you can get from a little Sesame Street action?)

bliss

2008-07-13T16:48:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I spent the morning sitting out back, entertaining Maia and looking out into the woods. When she napped, I actually got to read a book for a little while. Yes, it sounds nice, but there was one detail that pushed yesterday morning particularly close to ecstasy. No, I wasn't eating an entire carton of Haagen Daaz... While I was outside enjoying the lovely day, inside there were people hard at work cleaning my entire house. I'll confess: I hired cleaners.

I've been thinking of (or rather, daydreaming about) hiring professional cleaners for a while, but now that Maia is here, I realized that I didn't want to spend the little free time I had shoving a dirty brush into my toilets. Even when I would spend an entire Saturday cleaning the house, I would rarely have enough time to clean the floors after vacuuming up all the stray dogs living under my furniture and putting away piles of laundry.

So, I found a nice couple that run their own cleaning business. Their price was totally reasonable, so I took the plunge. I don't think there's any going back now...I mean, they cleaned the inside of my microwave!

2008-06-27T08:43:00.003-04:00

Coldplay must have the BEST marketing team ever. In addition to their overly pretentious iTunes commercial, they performed on the Daily Show this week, and right now they are playing on the Today show. What's next, Martha Stewart? Surely she would appreciate the ostensibly homemade jacket Chris Martin has been wearing for every performance. What, Gwyneth can't help you pick out some different outfits? Or do those colored armbands make your songs sound better?

At any rate, my mother in law purchased their song Viva la Vida on iTunes this week, so if that doesn't prove that their marketing strategy has been a success, I don't know what does.

Mommy needs her quiet time

2008-06-17T15:20:00.003-04:00

Is it wrong...

...that I'm paying someone to watch my kid downstairs while I sit up in my office reading blogs, ahem, I mean, working?

in shock

2008-06-06T10:47:00.001-04:00

I turned on VH1 this morning for my bad-reality-TV-in-the-background-while-I-work fix. There was something really weird on, I couldn't figure out what it was. Then, I realized, it was a MUSIC VIDEO. Holy shit, they actually still play those on "Video Hits 1"? Who knew?

text-message parenting

2008-06-05T14:17:00.004-04:00

Today I sent this picture to J via text message. I wrote "her head was on the burp cloth when she started". (The burp cloth is that white cloth on the playmat)

J's reply: "Staple sum swiffer sheets 2 her."

Hmmm...

Weight Watchers and Costco don't mix

2008-06-03T11:39:00.005-04:00

At Costco this weekend, J talked me into dropping a 4-pound bag of trail mix into the cart. He likes to eat it at work, driving around in his truck, and I was too hungry and in a hurry to argue.

The first 5 minutes in the store were fairly amusing, as Maia decided to spit up all over the floor, with J quickly deflecting with a "hey, what's in that aisle over there?", allowing us to remove ourselves from the scene. But I can only deal with shopping at Costco for about as much time as Matthew McConaughey can deal with wearing a shirt. I might have been appeased by the free mini-quiche samples but there were never any ready when I walked by. And then there was J, wandering off to look at shorts and glass balls for your garden and strange electronic devices, leaving me to stand with the cart, bouncing the baby and smiling politely at comments like "what aisle did SHE come from?" In the end, as usual, we left having spent well over $100 more than I had wanted us to.

And now that bag, that ridiculously gigantic bag of trail mix, is sitting on top of my refrigerator, taunting me. I recently re-joined Weight Watchers because breastfeeding was not the magic post-partum weight loss trick I was promised, so there's no way I can sit with that bag of trail mix in my lap and eat it by the handful like I really want. People, do you have any idea how excruciating it is to measure 3 tablespoons of trail mix from a 4-pound bag? I'm here to tell you, it HURTS.

Milk Pistols

2008-05-28T09:55:00.003-04:00

This one goes out to my girl MB:

If you can't understand the lyrics, go to http://eclectech.co.uk/milkpistols.php and play the video there--it's subtitled!

Count your blessings

2008-05-23T11:38:00.003-04:00

When we started thinking about trying to conceive last year, I stumbled across a pregnancy website and found myself reading and posting to messageboards talking to other women trying to conceive. When I got pregnant, I joined my "Due Date Club" messageboard on the site--a place for women due in February 2008 to post questions and concerns and discuss the joys of (and the not-so-fun stuff about!) pregnancy. We have women from all over the country, and many from around the world. Single moms, first-time moms, veteran moms. Everybody had a unique situation, but we were brought together by the unique experience of pregnancy and motherhood

Over the past year the women on the board have gotten to know each other, and have supported each other through difficult pregnancy symptoms, scary prenatal testing, amusing bodily emissions issues, childbirth, and the amazing transformation into mothers of beautiful babies.

The internet is an interesting place. I've perused other messageboards where people get clique-y, nasty, judgemental, and argumentative. But, my messageboard friends always agreed that the Feb '08 board was special in that we didn't see much of the negative. Despite differing backgrounds and views, we found ourselves in an incredibly supportive environment, even if it was filled with people we only knew through keystrokes and photographs.

One of the women on my board found out during her pregnancy that her baby boy, Lincoln, would be born with Down Syndrome. It was her first pregnancy, and she and her husband were beyond excited to meet the little boy they called their "precious gift" before he was even born. She went through a lot of testing during her pregnancy that involved driving to a faraway hospital and spending weeks at a time away from home. When Lincoln was born, she posted pictures of her beautiful baby boy and we all admired her for her strength and joy in the face of difficulty.

Last week, Lincoln got sick and ended up in the hospital. His situation was critical, and the doctors could not figure out what was causing his decline. His mom posted updates to the board regularly and she got an outpouring of support. We all agreed that the problems we were used to posting about on the board--leaky diapers, babies not sleeping through the night, holding on to those extra pregnancy pounds--seemed silly and selfish when we knew of a mom who was by her baby's bedside in the NICU praying for him to get better.

Early yesterday morning, baby Lincoln passed away. He was only a few weeks older than Maia. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a baby, and my heart breaks for her and her husband.

I am not the most patient Mom in the world, but the next time I get frustrated by a few minutes of crying, I hope to remind myself how lucky I am to have a beautiful, healthy baby, and that there are moms out there who would give anything to hear their babies' cries again but never will.

Mommy Meetups

2008-05-08T16:22:00.003-04:00

Being a new mom and also new to our area, I've been thinking how it would be nice to get involved with a mom's group. But for some reason, it seems that 99% of the mom's groups out there are targeted at stay-at-home moms. Even the parent & child classes (like the mom & baby yoga class I've been going to during my maternity leave) all seem to be scheduled on weekdays, and are thereby geared towards SAHMs. Nothing against SAHMs--I'd love to be one if I could--but what about the rest of us? We may work during the week but that doesn't mean we aren't seeking out opportunities to meet other moms or to participate in parent/baby activities.

Today I was checking out the "Holistic Moms Network" (HMN) website. They have a chapter near me, and they meet in the evening. Sounds great! But honestly, I'm not sure I would fit in. I'm slowly trying to live "greener" and eliminate nasty chemicals from the food and products in our home--I mean, jeez, I've been to the newly-opened Whole Foods like 7 times in the past 2 weeks! (Ah, the joys of having a nearby Whole Foods, that's a topic for another day.) But, I have chosen to have my child vaccinated (the horror!), and while I haven't set any firm limits on how long I will breastfeed or co-sleep, I find breastfeeding 3-year olds a little creepy and I'm pretty sure Maia will be sleeping in her own room by the time she's 6 months old. I would also not be able to sit straight-faced through any meetings about optimizing one's aura. I'm not kidding, but the local HMN's next meeting topic is "Alkalize and Ph Balancing". I am not even sure what that's supposed to mean. It conjures up images of zit-cream commercials but I'm pretty sure I'm off-base there. So what do you think, should I check it out?

2008-05-01T14:14:00.002-04:00

Maia was cranky when we tried taking pictures of her with Daddy's tattoos. We're going to try it again sometime.

I heard about this book called "Mommy Has A Tattoo". It's supposed to teach kids that tattoos aren't scary.

I would probably add a page that says "except for tattoos on people's *faces* (unless you're in an exotic country where it's a cultural thing, of course)".

not smarter than your average bear

2008-04-25T18:42:00.003-04:00

Today I walked by a couple of guys fishing in a waterway near my house. Both of them were smoking. As I approached, one of the guys took the butt from his mouth and flicked it into the water. I hope he catches a huge fish and gets a nice big bite of butt. What an ass.

2 months old

2008-04-24T07:42:00.003-04:00

Don't you just want to eat her up?

little yogi

2008-04-22T17:44:00.002-04:00

I guess all that Mommy & Baby yoga is paying off...look at my little peanut doing Goddess Pose in her sleep!

an awkward teenage moment that wasn't mine

2008-04-07T17:39:00.005-04:00

A little over a year ago we moved to our new house, which sits on several wooded acres. Imagine a 50-acre subdivision, where most of the homeowners have 1-to-2 acre plots around the outer edge of the 50 acres...well, we and our neighbors each own about half of the remaining interior portion of the property. We live on a hill, so when we go out back there's a trail that leads down onto our property. We have some walking trails and a lovely stream with a footbridge. Our property is not fenced, and it does butt up against the rear property lines of all the homes that sit on the edges.

What am I getting at here? Well, occasionally we will look out our back windows and see people walking through the woods...which means they're on our property. It's not so much that we care if someone walks through, except that sometimes they bring their dogs (and our dog is fairly territorial) and also if someone were to get hurt (by, say, falling off the footbridge into the rocky stream and splitting their head open), I'm guessing we would be liable.

So, today I was about to take Maia for a walk, and I was planning on taking the stroller out front onto the street. But then I noticed a red-cloaked figure down by the stream. So I popped the baby into my wrap carrier and went down the trail into the woods. From my window it had appeared that the person was near the stream, maybe bending down picking plants? However, I was not quite prepared for what I found when I got down there. I approached the footbridge and saw that the person was IN the stream. SITTING in the stream, facing away from me. Near the bridge was a backpack with some towels. I said "hi, can I help you?" and an awkward-looking, chubby teenage girl turned around looking a little startled. She got up and I took in what she was wearing--a red hooded sweatshirt on top, and on the bottom some very short plaid shorts and sneakers. Did I mention she had been sitting IN the water? It's warming up here but it's not THAT warm!! It was about 55 degrees here today and our stream is in the shade.

I felt bad for her immediately. I had caught her doing something rather strange and I'm sure she was embarrassed. I said "it's a little cold for that, isn't it? I just wanted to let you know that this is private property. It's just that if someone got hurt down here we could get in trouble." By this point she had already stood up and was walking toward her towels. Not wanting to humiliate her any further, I kept walking up the trail. By the time I looped back around she was on her way off the property.

I felt bad, like I should have told her it was OK to stay or something, but what I'm really dying to know is WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE DOING?!?

strategy for future misbehavior

2008-04-01T11:09:00.003-04:00

When I was a kid and was acting up, my dad used to threaten to sell me to the gypsies (no offense to any of my gypsy readers). He would actually go so far as to pretend to call the gypsies on the phone and ask them to come pick me up. Now, having finally seen some real gypsies later in life on the streets of Paris, I know that they don't have phones, but hey, I was young and naive. If only my dad had known that the gypsies in Paris set out their crippled little kids on the streets--and are even known to throw babies at passerby just to get them to drop their purses! Then, maybe then, he would have thought twice about threatening to give them his only child.

J and I were talking about how today's kids don't really know who "the gypsies" are, so we will never be able to use the "sell you to the gypsies" strategy with Maia when she gets older. However, we have a new plan. We will threaten to sell her to "Good Ole Tom" for extra cash. I hear that cute white babies are at a 20-year high.

god forbid I should have to wash a dish

2008-03-31T10:53:00.003-04:00

Why is it that every time I have guests over and am feeding them, they always ask why I'm not using paper plates? The last time this happened I said "well, I have these perfectly good plates right here" and the response I got was "but then you have to wash them". And that's why I have a dishwasher? I just don't understand this attitude. Sure, if I'm having a larger gathering paper plates are the way to go...but I didn't register for a set of 12 nice plates so that I could whip out the paper ones anytime I have one extra person at my dinner table.

Just a little something I wanted to vent about...

the spit-up chronicles

2008-03-25T11:56:00.002-04:00

Last night we attempted to put the baby to bed a little earlier than usual. I nursed her in our bedroom, and after an hour she still wasn't asleep but our dinner was ready. Since she seemed to be pretty subdued at that point, we thought we'd try putting her down in her bassinet and seeing what would happen.

We went downstairs and started to eat dinner. No noise from the monitor. After about 15 minutes, we started to hear some fussing, which eventually turned into crying. We gave it a few minutes, then J went up to see what was up. Next thing I hear is J yelling "she puked in her eye!". I went up to investigate and walked in on a scene straight out of "The Exorcist" (minus the head spinning and the demonic possession, that is). Poor girl had blown chunks all over her bassinet. Maybe she wasn't happy with all that Easter chocolate I ate?

This morning she was still having some spit-up issues. Here's where I almost lost it: she'd fallen asleep in my arms so I set her down in her boppy pillow on the couch next to me, and started to "milk myself". (That's how our aunt's boyfriend refers to pumping breast milk. He's real sophisticated, that one). Of course, that's when Maia woke up and started to cry. So, there I am, left boob hanging out and attached to the electric pump, and I pick up the baby with my free hand and try to console her by putting her up to my shoulder and patting her. Next thing I know she's spitting up all over my shirt and on her own face. It took me a minute to find a free hand to clean up the mess. I guess she got angry that the machine was getting her milk. Wonder if she noticed that the machine does not spew the milk back at me?

on the road again...

2008-03-22T17:04:00.003-04:00

Last weekend we had to drive 900 miles each way for a family funeral. The pediatrician advised against flying due to the lots-of-germs-in-an-enclosed-space factor, so we opted to drive.

Maia did really well on the trip, sleeping the majority of the time. We'd stop every few hours and I'd nurse her in the front seat and change her diaper in my lap. Of course we'd squeeze in a few cuddles but then it'd be time to strap her back into the carseat and get going.

On the return trip, we stopped at a rest area just a few hours from home. We strapped Maia into her seat, and she promptly started screaming. After a few good yowls, she finally quieted down, but the look on her face was so pathetic that I had to break out the camera:
I couldn't wait to get home and give her a million hugs and kisses.

what have I done to deserve this??

2008-03-11T12:37:00.003-04:00

By some utter miracle of nature, I have been blessed with a very easy baby. Granted, she is barely 3 weeks old, so she really doesn't do a lot more than eat, sleep, and poop. But, she really doesn't cry much, she doesn't have her days and nights confused, and therefore I am much more well-rested than the typical new mom.

Right now Maia is actually taking a nap in her crib...and I didn't even have to nurse her to sleep. I seriously don't know what I have done in my life to deserve a baby that sleeps long enough for me to get important things done around the house--things like cutting my toenails and blogging.

nervous daddy

2008-03-03T19:38:00.002-05:00

J takes the baby upstairs to change her. A few minutes later, he's calling my name with a bit of a frantic tone to his voice. I walk into the nursery. "She peed on me, and then she spit up, and HER BELLY BUTTON IS FALLING OFF!" As he says all of this, he begins to realize he's freaking out *just a little bit*. Granted, the umbilical stump was halfway off and looked really gross...thankfully at least one of us had read the books about these things and knew what to expect.

Today the baby went back to business as usual--greeting daddy with several loud farts in a row. That's one bodily function with which he's familiar enough to handle like a pro. Oh, and the stump finally did fall off on its own today...

Maia's first days

2008-02-27T17:33:00.007-05:00

At first she was a little angry about being removed from her nice, comfy dwelling. She was probably also a little embarrassed about being caught with her conehead on.

Luckily, the conehead look disappeared pretty quickly.

Daddy was beaming with pride.

But even he couldn't rescue her from the dreaded first bath!

Ah, naptime at last.

Before we knew it, it was time to go home! Thanks to BBFK for the going-home outfit.

and.....

2008-02-24T09:04:00.004-05:00

IT'S A GIRL!!!!

Miss Maia Ellin joined our family at 11:19 PM on Wednesday, February 20, 2008. She is healthy and we are all doing great. We just got home from the hospital yesterday. Here's what went down:

Tuesday night we went to the hospital for the scheduled induction. They were very busy so we just kind of hung out for a while. I had been having some contractions on and off but nothing too regular, and they were barely noticeable to me. Around 11 PM, they administered Cytotec, which is supposed to soften the cervix and can also possibly start contractions. Never mind that the FDA has never approved it for this use, but I digress... Tried to get some sleep.

Wednesday morning they checked me and found that I'd dilated a bit more--to about 3 cm. I was having contractions that I couldn't really feel. They decided to start pitocin. We called our doula, Julie, to come join us at the hospital. The first few hours on pitocin were pretty uneventful. The contractions were getting closer together and were pretty bearable. The biggest problem we were having was with the fetal heart monitor strapped to my belly: the baby's heart sounded great, but she was moving all over the place so we kept losing it and had to readjust the belt frequently. Not cool when you're trying to cope with contractions by using different positions. I rotated between sitting on the birth ball to getting on hands and knees, to standing up and holding onto J.

As the day went on, I lost track of time in terms of how far I progressed, etc. They didn't check me too often, which was nice. All I know is that things got steadily more painful and that I did start having thoughts along the lines of "why was it that I wanted to do this without pain meds?" But I didn't want to give up, and J was such an awesome partner that I just wanted to keep going. My water broke around 2 PM--while I was on my hands and knees on the bed! J was standing next to me and actually heard an audible "pop"! By late afternoon/early evening I think I had gotten to about 7 cm. Somewhere in there they put in an internal fetal monitor so that I could change positions more freely without worrying about losing track of the heartbeat. At that point I felt like it couldn't be much longer, and that's the thought that helped me keep going. Well, things didn't seem to speed up a whole lot, but by about 7 PM I was checked again and was told that I was at 9, almost there! I kept waiting for the urge to push to arrive, knowing that then we would be in the home stretch. But the only time I felt like my body wanted to push was during the contractions. Apparently that's not quite enough. Around 9 PM the other doctor came and checked me, and I was still at 9, but wasn't completely effaced.

Then came the reality check. The doctors told me that they thought the baby was lying transverse, which would explain why we had trouble keeping track of the heartbeat, and would also explain why I still wasn't 100% effaced despite being at 9 cm. They told me that a c-section was looking very likely. They offered to put in an epidural and give me a little time to see if that might help the baby move into the right position. I decided to go ahead and get the epi then--something I had really wanted to avoid but that was looking inevitable if I was likely to have to have surgery anyway.

Getting an epidural when you're having contractions that are 2 minutes apart is no fun, but the anesthesiologist was awesome and once the meds started working I was able to relax. About 40 minutes later I was checked again and nothing had changed, so we decided to go ahead with the surgery.

Before we knew it, our baby was delivered and I have to say I was very surprised and excited when they announced that it was a girl! She looked a little like a Klingon when she came out--her forehead was mashed into a cone shape because she was trying to come out forehead-first. We knew then that having the c-section was definitely the right decision since there would have been no easy way for her to make it out the way she was trying to go!

She was 7 lbs, 10 oz, and 21 inches long, and she is absolutely beautiful. Daddy and I are completely in love already.

Pictures to come soon!!

2008-02-18T18:08:00.002-05:00

Got excited last night when I had a few solid hours of regular contractions, but sadly they disappeared while I slept.

Only 24 hours to get moving on my own--induction is scheduled for 7 PM Tuesday...

2008-02-16T19:51:00.003-05:00

I see that I am obligated to post daily lest anyone should get the idea that this baby has finally decided to come out!

Today I thought I should treat myself to a relaxing pedicure. The last time I'd been in the salon was 3 weeks ago, when I told the staff that it would probably be my last pedicure for a while. Needless to say, they were a little surprised when I walked in today. Then, there was the joy of being able to respond "6 days ago" to the question "when are you due?".

I think I made the owners a little nervous--about every 15 minutes they looked over at me and said "Are you OK?!" I told them that while nothing would make me happier than to go into labor right then and there in the massaging pedicure chair, I was pretty sure they had nothing to worry about.

Last night we had pepperoni pizza for dinner and have been trying other "natural induction" methods at a rate that puts our honeymoon to shame. I started to get hopeful this morning when I had about 2 hours worth of regular contractions...but then they petered out and here I sit. I'm hoping it's a start though...

Still considering the castor oil method. Will see how I feel in the morning.

stork of the northeast?

2008-02-15T17:03:00.003-05:00

I just spent 20 minutes staring at a gorgeous red-tailed hawk perched high in a tree in my backyard. I think he looked right at me once. I know we don't have storks up here, so, um, maybe this is the northern assistant of the stork? Just sayin'...

still cookin'...

2008-02-14T17:05:00.002-05:00

So, went to the doctor this morning. Baby is doing fine, BUT...to my dismay they have scheduled me to go in Tuesday night for an induction. They were talking Sunday night, Monday night, but I said I wanted to wait as long as possible so they agreed to Tuesday night as long as I was willing to come in Monday for another non-stress test and amniotic fluid check.

So, please keep your fingers crossed that I go into labor on my own before then...I am trying all the tricks that I know of. I am even getting desperate enough that the castor oil may have to come into play over the weekend...

daily update

2008-02-13T09:30:00.002-05:00

Yes, baby is still cooking. Last night I pigged out on a Chili's Awesome Blossom hoping it would stir things up in my abdomen enough to trigger labor. Instead I just ended up feeling nauseous from eating too much grease.

I suppose it was for the best, considering the current weather here in New England...we got a lot of snow last night and now we have freezing rain. Poor J shoveled our entire 400-foot driveway by himself last night just in case we might have to make a quick getaway.

Maybe we'll get a Valentine's baby??

to pass the time...

2008-02-11T09:39:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, I was tagged by one of the coolest people I know. Since I have nothing better to do while I wait for this kid to pop, here goes:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1) In my lifetime, I have lived on 3 different continents (OK, so one was my semester abroad in Europe but I think that counts).

2) In grade school, a friend and I made a "Hindu Dot Collection" by punching holes in cardstock and coloring the punched-out pieces with markers. We kept them all in an envelope. We're still not sure why we did this.

3) The first presidential election in which I was eligible to vote was in 1992. I voted for Bush Senior. I've learned a lot since then.

4) I have a hard time applying mascara without opening my mouth really wide while I'm doing it.

5) I can't eat a raw tomato without gagging. (Exception: salsa).

6) My husband has a subscription to Playboy and I would be disappointed if he canceled it. They really do have good articles.

And now I'm going to be very naughty and not tag anyone. Consider it one of my final acts of "I'm pregnant, and I can do whatever I want!"

still waiting...

2008-02-10T18:43:00.000-05:00

Reaching the end of the day here on my due date...and still no baby. I did have a pretty strong feeling that this one would be a little late, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

It's freezing out and snowing, so maybe that means tonight's the night? We'll just have to wait and see...

make room for baby

2008-02-06T11:38:00.000-05:00

We have several pets, but our cat Monty is pretty special. He's super affectionate, and due to his love of being held (and the fact that he will cry until you pick him up), we've been referring to him as our "practice baby". Apparently he's taken this moniker to heart, because I've been discovering him "trying out" pretty much every new piece of baby-related gear in the house.

Exhibit A: Monty in the crib

Exhibit B: Monty on the changing table

And, Exhibit C, captured this morning: Monty in the stroller

I hope he doesn't get too upset when baby comes and he finally realizes that we didn't buy all this stuff just to give him more places to curl up and nap!

(excuse the photo quality...took them with my cell phone!)

6 days and counting...

2008-02-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

Last night I woke up to roll over (which happens about 6 times a night), and when I grabbed my body pillow to bring it around to the other side, it was soaking wet. I really thought my water had broken until I realized it was just sweat (OK, gross, but such are the joys of being pregnant). Oh well! I'd be pretty upset if my water broke in bed anyway. Our mattress is only a year old and I'm not sure just how waterproof the special mattress protector we got duped into buying really is.

This weekend was spent cleaning the house (as I mentioned previously I have been terrified that I will have to run to the hospital leaving a messy house behind). Some may classify these activities as "nesting." I think J would call it something else. Something along the lines of "the weekend my wife wouldn't crawl out of my ass until I sorted through the pile of mail I've been accumulating since 1998."

Now that the house is clean and things at work are winding down, I am definitely ready to get this show on the road, so to speak. Send some good labor vibes my way!

17 days to go

2008-01-24T08:56:00.000-05:00

The time is drawing near, and I am NOT ready! I mean, emotionally I am totally ready. Really can't wait to meet this little person and especially to find out if estrogen or testosterone will hold the majority in my household. (Currently, if you count the pets, which I'm not sure is fair seeing as they're all eunuchs, testosterone is winning). However, I have tendencies toward procrastination/perfectionism, which means that I like my deadlines because they're the only way I get things accomplished (usually well done but just under the wire). So I have a recently-painted guest room/office to put back together so my parents have a comfortable place to stay, not to mention a nursery that needs the finishing touches of organization, and I won't even go there when it comes to telling you about the floors that need cleaning and the surfaces that need dusting.

Will the baby care about any of this stuff? Of course not. And I'm sure the baby won't even really be using the nursery for the first few weeks anyway...but in my OCD brain this house needs to be in tip-top shape before I rush off to labor & delivery. So this weekend will probably be filled with enough organizing and cleaning activity to send me right into labor...as long as everything's done, that will be fine by me!

By the way, here's a sneak peek at our little one (taken on 1/23)...courtesy of the modern magic of 3D ultrasound, which my OB's office recently acquired. I've always thought these images were slightly on the creepy side, but hey, who can resist. I was VERY pleased to discover that the baby seems to have inherited daddy's lips, seeing as I have very little to contribute in that department:

As of yesterday, baby's weight was estimated at 6 lbs 7 oz...so there go my hopes for losing 20 pounds by giving birth!

Love, Mommy

2008-01-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

Our childbirth instructor asked us a while back to write a letter to the baby. I'm not the sappiest person--it's not typically easy for me to express serious feelings. So since I sat down and did it, I thought I might as well share this with you, so you can see that I am occasionally able to get beyond the bodily function jokes...

To my little Peanut,

It's hard to believe that half a year has gone by since I found out you were on the way to us. At first, it seemed hard to believe that something so amazing was happening inside my body. But sure enough, you made your presence known little by little. Over the past few months, your little fluttery movements have turned into kicks and somersaults. Just yesterday you had your first case of hiccups. I love that you are with me wherever I go, and I still get excited over every movement you make, even if I can't yet tell if it's an arm or a leg poking me in the side.

I suppose this is just a small preview of what's to come. I anticipate that once you're here, I will still be fascinated by your every move, not to mention every sound and every facial expression, and probably every smell, too. I've also begun to realize that the constant worrying is too, here to stay, that I will forever be concerned for your health and happiness. I know that the worry I have felt while carrying you inside me will pale in comparison to the worry I will feel once you are here. I also know that the joys you will bring to your daddy's and my life will be overwhelming compared to the already great joy I have known these past few months.

I suppose there are practical reasons to bring a child into this world: to have a helper for the chores; to have someone small enough around the house who can find out where that strange little door in the back of the upstairs closet actually goes; to make sure there will be someone around to change our Depends when we're old; for the tax credits; to get our parents off our backs and give them some grandkids already. But we didn't think it through like this. We didn't need to.

I can still remember very clearly a night before your daddy and I were engaged. We were standing in his kitchen, arms around each other, and he asked me if I could see myself having children with him. I didn't even have to think about it--the answer was an emphatic yes. Before I met him, I wasn't even sure I'd ever really have a desire to have children. But with him I just knew it would be right. I could picture his arms cradling my babies, could see him running through the yard laughing with them as they grew older. Soon you will be here and I will see all this come to life, and it's going to be amazing.

I am looking forward to seeing the world through your eyes as you grow. Life gets so routine as you get older, and you barely have time for anything but paying the bills and taking care of the house. I can't wait to help you explore all the things that make life wonderful; you will make them all fresh and new again for me. I want to take you to the zoo and to the beach and to the woods. I want to show you flowers bursting up from the ground in the springtime, help you catch fireflies in the summer, and watch you catch snowflakes on your tongue in the winter. I want to hear you laugh and I want to be the one who can dry your tears when you are sad. I am so excited to get to know you, to discover your talents and your quirks. I feel very blessed already to be the one you will call "Mom". I can't wait to meet you.

Love,
Mommy

I have an efficient baby

2008-01-15T10:42:00.000-05:00

This week, I ate an entire double-decker box of chocolates in addition to a lot of other junk. I even had 2 pieces of cake on Sunday at my baby shower.

Amazingly, I LOST 2 pounds this week. Thanks, kiddo, for processing all that junk for me. I promise to start eating better after you are born.

a confession

2008-01-09T21:40:00.001-05:00

OK, I'll admit it: I'm afraid of toddlers. I have no idea how to relate to children who are barely out of diapers, tend to have snotty noses, and are prone to temper tantrums. They're too old for baby talk yet too young for rational explanations. I feel cold and awkward when I try to engage them.

There is a toddler coming to my house this weekend. Thank god his mother is a very laid-back old friend of mine. She thought my suggestion of tethering him to a tree out back should he become unruly was right on track.

Eating for two

2007-12-29T17:17:00.000-05:00

Breakfast: oatmeal

Mid-morning snack: many pieces of holiday chocolate

Acid reflux begins.

Lunch: Healthy vegetable soup

2 hours later, hunger returns. Contemplate what to eat to relieve hunger yet not aggravate the acid reflux.

Obvious solution: consume half a box (movie theater-sized) of Dots candy.

Half hour later: Search for Tums

I've obviously got this healthy pregnancy eating thing nailed.

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-24T00:40:00.001-05:00

I will never, ever, get tired of this video.

ROTFLMAO.

2007-12-18T12:10:00.000-05:00

Cash Advance Loans

a holiday riddle

2007-12-16T18:14:00.000-05:00

What is over 10 feet tall, produces a cheerful glow, and wakes you up at 3:20 AM by making this noise: "WHOOSH! BOOM! pop! tinkle tinkle rattle tinkle..."??

That's right, it's my Christmas tree *falling over* mere hours after being fully decorated.

Luckily, we only lost one non-generic ornament, and the glass table the tree fell on escaped unharmed. The tree is now safely tethered to the wall. It's a little crooked, but we're not messing with it again.

It did not help that there was an ice storm last night. When you're lying awake in bed after an incident like that, the sound of ice pellets hitting the windows is eerily reminiscent of pine needles and glass shards falling upon wood floors and glass tables...

Monday yum yum time

2007-12-10T11:25:00.000-05:00

Posting this just because...

Thanks to perezhilton.com

baby blabber

2007-12-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

This past month has seen a massive expansion of the belly, which I know is on course to continue plumping up at full steam. I thought it was bad a few months ago when I knocked somebody's drink over with my boob, but I have now begun to inadvertently knock things over with my belly. I was emptying the dishwasher the other day and knocked several things over, including a full glass of water, as a reached up to put dishes into the cabinet.

In other news, the baby had its first case of hiccups yesterday, which was strange in that I'd been thinking about in utero hiccups and wondering if the baby would ever get them and if so, how I would know. It started out feeling like kicks, but when they repeated continuously at regular intervals for 10-15 minutes in the same spot, I figured it either had to be hiccups or else the baby had snuck one of these into the womb:

pregnancy comment of the week

2007-12-03T12:32:00.000-05:00

Random 50-year old man at friend's holiday party: "Oh...that's a nice belly. Wow. Really a very nice one. I've seen a lot of pregnant women, but that is really just a beautiful belly. You really look beautiful. You have such a lovely glow."

Um, thanks. I'm sure your wife appreciated hearing that. I could really tell by the look on her face.

And thank you for not expanding your comments to include any thoughts on my tits.

pigging out (a la Tenacious D)

2007-11-24T19:59:00.001-05:00

McDonald's cashier: So, that'll be a 6-piece chicken McNuggets, a cheeseburger, large fries, and a large Coke?

Me: No, no--a DIET Coke.

[Um, because, you know, I'm watching my calories.]

hard to believe

2007-11-12T14:07:00.000-05:00

I'm now officially in the third trimester. And, as of today, I have only *90 days* to go until my due date!

However, should our little peanut decide to arrive before schedule, all we need is a crib mattress and we will be ready to accomodate. Behold, the fruits of the last 2 weekends' labor:

they should warn you when it's an interactive voice response system

2007-11-02T15:56:00.000-04:00

Computer phone voice: Thank you for calling American Airlines. In order to process your call effectively...

Me: Buuuuuuuurrrrrrrppppppp.

Computer phone voice: I'm sorry, I did not understand. For flight times and gate information, please say "Flight Information." For reservations, please say "Reservations"...

oh goodie! a quiz!

2007-10-30T22:52:00.000-04:00

Just when I needed some new material for posting...I've been tagged by Pastor Mom!

1. Who eats more? We both tend to be a little piggish.
2. Who said “I love you” first? I did, but he coerced me...
3. Who is the morning person? Definitely me, even though I never realized it until I started living with J.
4. Who sings better? J. He comes from a very talented family.
5. Who’s older? J is almost 8 months older than me.
6. Who’s smarter? I have a lot more formal education, he's got the street smarts.
7. Whose temper is worse? J's the one with the hot streak. I tend to keep my cool.
8. Who does the laundry? We share this one, though I'm the only one who actually folds things and puts them away.
9. Who does the dishes? When I cook, J cleans up, but I'd say I do the majority of the dish-related tasks.
10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does.
11. Whose feet are bigger? His are, but not by a lot. His stink more though.
12. Whose hair is longer? Mine.
13. Who’s better with the computer? Me.
14. Do you have pets? We have a dog, 2 cats, and 3 guinea pigs.
15. Who pays the bills? I pay all the household bills, he pays his own car payment and credit cards (by this I mean I physically write the checks and put them in the mail, not that I actually pay for everything myself!)
16. Who cooks dinner? For the most part me. We eat/order out once or twice a week.
17. Who drives when you are together? He drives while I complain about his driving.
18. Who pays when you go out to dinner? Whoever gets to their wallet first.
19. Who’s the most stubborn? Ha! Definitely not me, except when I know I'm right. Which is often.
20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong? Neither of us is especially fond of doing so, but we get around to it eventually.
21. Whose family do you see more? His-they all live an hour away, and mine live 1000 miles away.
22. Who named your pet? The dog was his and the cats were mine when we met...but we shared in the naming of the guinea pigs.
23. Who kissed who first? We kissed each other. Then I fell asleep on him.
24. Who asked who out? We met online, so I'm not sure this applies.
25. What did you do on your first date? On our first "real" date we went to dinner, and then back to my place, where we donned funny wigs and danced to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack.
26. Who’s more sensitive? Normally him, though at the moment I'm catching up.
27. Who’s taller? He is.
28. Who has more friends? Not sure. He definitely has more friends locally. Mine are scattered all over the country.
29. Who has more siblings? He has 2, I have 1.
30. Who wears the pants in the relationship? I think we share the pants pretty well.

OK, your turn. I'm tagging Chrysanthemum, Lever, and Fishlamp.

I guess I'm hormonal after all

2007-10-24T18:59:00.000-04:00

So far this pregnancy--with the exception of some back pain, oh and also the dealing with the Gigantic Ass of Ridiculous Proportions--has been exceptionally easy. No weird food cravings or aversions, no hanging my head over the toilet, few crazy-lady outbursts.

Today I had a crazy day at work, and had to leave an hour early to make it to my hair appointment. I love my stylist so I keep going to her even though she's now 45 minutes away, and I have never once had to cancel an appointment. Anyway, like I said it was a crazy work day that ended with several back-to-back phone conferences, the last of which I needed to skip out early on to make it out the door on time. So I hung up the phone, threw on a little makeup (nothing worse than not having any makeup on under those salon lights...just kind of diminishes the nice feeling of having your hair done up), shoved the dog outside for a last bathroom break, grabbed my cell phone and headed out the door.

Just as I pulled our front door closed, it hit me. No...no...please NO! I scrambled through my purse and sure enough, NO KEYS. No house keys, no car keys. I quickly texted J (who was supposed to do something after work that would keep him away for several hours) asking him to please come home asap. Then I texted him 2 or 3 more times for good measure. When about 15 minutes passed with no reply, I lost it. The waterworks commenced, complete with audible sobbing noises. I let myself think of every possible reason J wasn't responding to my messages...his phone was dead, or equally likely, he was holed up in a hotel with a coworker. Everything but the obvious--that he was tied up at work and unable to get to his phone.

I am not normally one to break down so easily, but there you have it, proof of pregnancy-induced lunacy.

2007-10-18T12:14:00.000-04:00

I am so consumed with being pregnant that I can't think of anything else to talk about. I was trying to spare you all but then I figured what the hell, you wouldn't keep coming back here if I was *that* boring, right?

I mean, excuse me, but it is just slightly mind-boggling to have an entire human being growing inside your body, especially when it gets to the point where you can feel it moving around in there, and then, even stranger when you can see your belly moving on the outside like in Alien. So I really can't help but be fixated on this strange little miracle of nature. I'll just add that it's a *really* strange sensation to be kicked in the vagina (well, the cervix, if you want to get technical) from the inside. That's all I'm sayin'...

We had another ultrasound this week, and everything is looking good. J and I laughed when the tech drew a circle on the screen saying "now I'm just measuring the circumference of the baby's head." J and I both have a significant amount of pollock blood in us, and we have a really bizarre inside joke that could never be fully explained to anyone else but it involves calling J "Giant Pollock Head". I mentioned we're both Polish, right, so we're allowed to "take back" the word pollock and use it to our hearts' content--no offense allowed. So anyway, we are of course wondering if we are going to have a Giant Pollock Baby with a Giant Pollock Head Jr. It probably doesn't help that we are also both German and I am Italian...nice, big, strong, stock if you see what I'm getting at. Good thing I've been endowed with these big birthin' hips.

730 days

2007-10-09T10:25:00.001-04:00

Two years later...

Though every day might not be a magical carriage ride

And my waistline has changed quite drastically

I still love to hold your hand

Share life's sweet moments together

Steal a kiss when no one (or everyone) is looking

And I'm so glad I get to walk through this life with you.

Happy Anniversary.

important mealtime considerations

2007-10-03T17:38:00.001-04:00

Sunday dinner - Stuffed cabbage

Monday dinner - Leftover stuffed cabbage

Tuesday dinner - Vegetarian sloppy joes

Tuesday bedtime - Desperately wishing we had a set of these to save ourselves from ourselves:

Wednesday lunch - Briefly consider having leftover stuffed cabbage or vegetarian sloppy joe, remember that it's yoga night, and have a baked potato instead.

random Monday ramblings

2007-10-01T11:54:00.000-04:00

This week I really started to feel the baby move on more of a regular basis. It's a pretty strange sensation that's been described as "like popcorn popping", "like a goldfish inside you that's too small for its bowl" and "like a bird flapping its wings". In my experience it really feels pretty close to how it feels when you have a bunch of gas bubbles gurgling around. The difference is that the gas eventually makes its way to places where you know the baby's not going...

----

Common courtesy is really slipping these days. Last weekend we attended the wedding of some people I would barely register as acquaintances. J went to high school with the groom, but the few times we have socialized with the groom +/- bride have been through occasions arranged by a mutual friend (one of J's best friends is pretty close to the groom). To top it off, no one liked the bride. When your own bridesmaids are talking about what an evil person you are at your own wedding, well, enough said. Anyway, J and I had a slight argument over how much to give for the wedding gift (east coast tradition is to generally give cash). I argued for a lesser amount (one that would certainly cover the costs of our attendance, plus a decent amount), considering that we barely know the couple. J argued for a higher amount, and I eventually conceded on the grounds that perhaps I could stand to be a tad more generous. We gave them a Home Depot gift card, since they recently bought a home together.

We were not expecting a lavish reception, and our expectations were not in the least surpassed. In J's words "I've been to receptions that used paper cups and plates, but I've never been to one that didn't at least have champagne for the toast". Also, why on earth would you set out corkscrews at the tables and then never bring any bottles to the tables? That's just a cruel tease. (Of course I, in my present condition, was the designated driver so no matter to me).

To get to my point (yes, finally, I know!)...we received a thank-you note from the couple within 2 days of the wedding. It was a photo card with a pre-printed message inside, and THEY DID NOT EVEN SIGN IT. So this means that they probably hadn't even opened the gifts before they put the cards in the mail. To be fair, our wedding thank you notes were similar...they did have a pre-printed message, but I wrote something personal in each and every one of those cards, because we really appreciated everyone's presence and generosity and I wanted everyone to know it. Is it too much to ask to just sign your own names on a card when people--especially people you BARELY KNOW--have taken the time to go to your wedding and give you a pretty generous gift? My mom taught me to write thank you notes and you can bet your ass that my kids will be taught to write them too. Sheesh.

----

Last night I dreamed that we went for an ultrasound, and the doctors told us that, according to their findings, the baby had a 20% chance of having either Down syndrome or psoriasis. It's so interesting how things get mish-moshed around in your dreams.

I love New York

2007-09-21T08:49:00.001-04:00

This morning the Duggar family (yes, the family from Arkansas with SEVENTEEN home-schooled children) was on the Today show. They talked about their plans for visiting various parts of New York City. One of the children expressed an interest in visiting Times Square. My first thought? I hope they see the naked cowboy.

I bet they'd like his music.

baby pictures

2007-09-12T12:08:00.001-04:00

Yesterday we got to check out our little peanut in utero. The tech says he/she is very photogenic. What do you think? (Click on the image for a much larger view)

And just in case you were wondering, we kept our resolve and did not ask to find out the gender...

intuition

2007-09-06T12:29:00.000-04:00

J and I have decided to test our patience and wait until the baby is born to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. We both agree that life has too few true surprises anymore, and this is one that we'd like to enjoy.

A lot of moms seem to possess some kind of intuitive sense as to what gender baby they are carrying. Unfortunately, I really haven't had any overwhelming feelings one way or another.

Right after I found out I was pregnant, I thought "boy". But then I kind of chalked that up to my tendency to envision things in a way that--I don't want to say I hope they won't turn out--but let's just say they just make the cutest baby clothes for girls and also I am slightly terrified of dealing with miniature male, ahem, parts, and so yeah, I'll just say it, I just was kind of hoping that my first would be a girl. Familiar territory, as my baby sister was born when I was 12 and I never had any brothers. So basically I sort of squelched that first thought that I was carrying a boy, and all it took was a dream involving a big bunch of pink balloons to convince myself that my mother's intuition was saying "yes, it's a girl."

The Chinese Gender Predictor says it will be a girl. I'm also told that having a sweet tooth during pregnancy says girl, but I always have a sweet tooth so what does that really mean? Then there's the old wives tale about the heartbeat--faster rates for girls, slower for boys. (You can imagine what I, a trained scientist, *actually* think about all these prediction methods). Incidentally, according to all these methods I'm having a girl.

Well, really I just have no idea what to think. So, I've decided to go with a more accurate predictor: J's Uncle Butch. Uncle Butch told me that he is 95% accurate in predicting baby genders. I mean, do I really need more evidence than his word on this? So I let him lay hands on the old belly and he has proclaimed that we're having a boy.

I am now mentally preparing for having to clean poop from strange folds and crevices, for getting peed on during diaper changes, and for many years of trying to keep the kid from imitating his father's fart jokes and temper tantrums. On the upside, a boy will probably be more fun to hunt for bugs under rocks with.

Anyone want to place a bet?

let the baby mania begin

2007-09-02T20:37:00.001-04:00

We just ordered the baby bedding for the nursery. How cute is this?!?!

Don't worry, we didn't order *every* accessory they had. Just most of them. I had to order items from 4 different websites because apparently this set has been discontinued or something, but this is the kind of hardcore shopping I am prepared to do as a mom-to-be. I am just that dedicated.

maybe she was just trying to be her own blonde joke

2007-08-25T21:35:00.001-04:00

If you know any girls who are aspiring to become pageant contestants, just show them this clip to talk them out of it.

currently...

2007-08-21T08:33:00.000-04:00

watching coverage of Hurricane Dean on the Today show, and secretly hoping Al Roker gets knocked down by the wind again.

feeling older than the bands I saw this weekend

2007-08-15T18:21:00.000-04:00

We spent last weekend at a 4-day music festival. Due to my present condition, I was the only sober person in the entire park (and believe me, there were 72 different types of non-sober going on in that place--it was, after all, a hippie fest). There were 2 specific instances in which I felt I might as well have been wearing "mom jeans".

1) I came out of the port-a-potty to find J talking to a cute girl who I soon realized was quite drunk (could it have been when she introduced herself to me twice in a 3-minute span? Hmmm, maybe.) I was starting to get annoyed that J wasn't trying to break off the conversation so we could go back to the show when the girl pulled out a vicodin and announced that it was just what she needed to make her buzz complete. Without thinking about it, I pointed a mom-like finger at her and said "now you be careful, you don't want to drink too much with that." That pretty much ended the conversation, to my embarrassment and relief.

2) We spent a very hot and sunny Saturday afternoon at a smaller beach-side stage watching some local bands. At one point, a girl wandered by, clutching a huge bottle of vodka and telling anyone who would listen that it was her 21st birthday. Not missing an opportunity, J shouted "it's her birthday too!" pointing at me. The girl came over to us and asked if it was my 21st too, to which I had to sadly reply "it's been a long time since my 21st birthday", while feeling my skin get wrinklier and my flab get flabbier. Before she walked away I pulled out the mom-finger again, aiming it towards her vodka bottle and said "now you be careful drinking too much in the sun, it's dangerous!"

I think maybe I embarrassed J a little too, but I don't care since he had the luxury of being under the influence.

I learned 2 very important lessons at the festival:

First, that it is very possible to enjoy a concert while sober. This may seem obvious to some people but when you don't really remember ever doing it before, it's kind of a revelation.

Second, that when you go into a port-a-potty at a festival full of hippies, and you start thinking how lucky you are because the seat is clean and it's equipped with several full rolls of toilet paper, you probably just haven't gotten around to noticing the finger-streaks of shit smeared on the wall.

sex while pregnant

2007-08-07T10:06:00.001-04:00

a post-coital conversation...

J: Sorry for the intrusion.

Me: What intrusion?

J: I wasn't talking to you.

do you have to let it linger?

2007-08-03T11:57:00.000-04:00

Over the last 2 days, I had some wicked sciatica pain acting up. What was the worst thing about it? Was it the shuffling around the grocery store feeling like a 98-year-old woman in a housecoat? Was it the inability to find a comfortable sitting position? Or perhaps the need to grab onto walls and furniture to get around my house?

No, the worst thing about my back pain was when I let out a really terrible fart and was then forced to stand in its cloud because I couldn't get away fast enough.

A TRUE post-pregnancy-announcement conversation

2007-08-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

J's Grandma: So, where are you going to put the baby?

J: If it's ugly, in the attic.

[We kid, people, we kid!]

You and I have witnessed many things, but none as bodacious as what just happened...

2007-07-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

At first, they told us it worked like this:

and sometimes like this:

But then, we realized it was more like this:

this:

and--my god!--even this!

One thing's for sure, it all leads to this:

and, if you're lucky, to this:

So yes, you guys are way too smart for me, and I was too terrible a liar to properly deflect your guesses. It is true, I've gone and gotten knocked up. We are due in February.

Kel, lead the way to the NYC maternity shops!

simpsonization

2007-07-22T11:40:00.000-04:00

As a long-time Simpsons fan (I mean, who isn't??), I'm pretty excited for the Simpsons movie, and am really hoping it doesn't suck. At any rate, all the movie hype means there's some pretty cool Simpsons-related stuff on the web these days. I just spent the last half hour "Simpsonizing" myself online.

For this one, I went to simpsonizeme.com and uploaded a photo of my face. I was then able to tweak the various features and add a background:

I made this one using an avatar generator on the official Simpsons Movie website:

Have fun!

ridiculous

2007-07-20T13:09:00.001-04:00

I try not to post about work for obvious reasons, but sometimes I really can't stand our clients.

You know how adults in Charlie Brown cartoons sound like..."wah wah waaah wah wah waah wa waah"?

Well sometimes our clients ask us to do things and when I hear the request it sounds like "could you just look in your ass real quick and ask the top 7 magical fairies to come out and play Beethoven's 5th on my desk while wearing the latest fashions from Gwen Stefani's Harajuku Lovers clothing line? And oh, I've heard about these things called iPods and I think it might be important for us to know more about them and how they're used. I need your feedback by the end of the day."

purposely cryptic

2007-07-18T18:01:00.000-04:00

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K, my friends...

What, you haven't seen Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? What kind of person are you?

Stay tuned...

3 little pigs

2007-07-02T18:41:00.001-04:00

If the recent care of my 3 guinea pigs is any indicator of what kind of mother I will turn out to be, I should probably not be allowed to procreate.

For those of you who don't know, I have a history of occasionally acquiring pets on impulse. Usually these are rodents. Pastor Mom and KelBel will certainly remember the days of Lloyd, the pet rat I had in college. Then there was the rabbit I had in grad school for about 2 days before he chewed all the buttons off my remote control and I returned him to the pet store with the excuse that my [non-existent] boyfriend was allergic (I don't think they bought it but they took the rabbit back anyway). I bought a guinea pig named Wilson who died of diarrhea. Then came 2 more rats, which had unfortunately been reared as snake food, not pets, so they weren't very friendly. I had to handle them with leather gloves on.

2 or 3 years ago, I decided I wanted another guinea pig. (At this point, mind you, we already had a dog and 2 cats in the house). So I brought the pig home and started doing all the research I could about guinea pigs. When I found out that they are social animals in the wild and that they are not happy being alone, well I just had to go out and adopt another one, and since the one I wanted was up for adoption with his brother, I couldn't possibly go and separate them, and then there were 3.

I promised J that if he would let me have the pigs, I would be in charge of their care. The first few months I was the ideal pig momma, letting the boys out to play on the floor encircled in a miniature fence and not letting the cages get *too* disgusting. Well, things have gotten a little out of hand. The other day I looked in the cages and thought, oh, did J put little fake palm trees in there for the pigs? Only, when I looked closer, they weren't little fake palm trees. They were mushrooms. Because I hadn't cleaned the cages in like 3 weeks and I guess that's the secret of a successful mushroom farm. Now mind you, my pigs are very healthy (miraculously) and I am not a terrible person, I just got a little behind. I would be beside myself if my negligence ever caused real harm to those animals.

So anyway, yesterday I went to give those cages the most thorough cleaning they've had in months. I thought, hey, it's nice outside, I'll bring the cages outside and let the boys have some time in the grass under their cage tops while I hose down the bases. So, I struggled with both cages down the stairs (they are big cages because, obviously, only the best will do for my pigs!), and headed outside. The 2 pigs in the bigger cage were a little freaked from the bouncing and tilting trip down the stairs. But I went ahead with my plan, which was to put the pigs in the cardboard box that normally serves as a temporary cage while I'm cleaning theirs out, only long enough to remove the wire top from their cage, place it on the grass, and put the pigs back into this great new little pen where they'd be free to eat clover and frolick. Well, the frolicking began a little sooner than I'd anticipated, because those nervous pigs spent about 2 seconds in the cardboard box before jumping right out of it and sprinting in opposite directions. Did I mention that we live in the woods with the wild animals and that we have no fence?

One pig sprinted into the small stretch of trees and bushes that separates our house from the neighbor's; the other sprinted into the ground cover growing around our red maple tree. I went after the one in the woods first, and did he ever give chase! I ran straight through, hunched over and probably yelling, only to emerge on the other side in plain view of our neighbor and the work crew that was doing work in his yard. "Sorry, my guinea pigs are running away!" He laughed, thankfully keeping his dog from running over to help me in my search. I finally managed to peg pig #1 to the ground and snatch him up. I headed back to my yard certain that pig 2 was gone for good, but luckily he had only gotten about a foot into the ground cover and then froze with fear. I was able to pounce on him pretty quickly.

I left the pigs outside in the grass while their cage bottoms dried. The one pig who actually behaved himself enjoyed eating clover and frolicking. The other 2 sat huddled in the corner in fear. I hope they learned their lesson, that living in a cage with mushrooms growing in it sure beats running around as potential hawk food.

Friday Four (unfashionably late)

2007-06-25T13:08:00.000-04:00

I was tagged by Pastor Mom but unfortunately didn't know about it until today. Better late than never, right??

Four jobs I've had:

-Receptionist at a tanning salon
-Bouncer at a bar in Greencastle, IN
-Graduate research assistant in a biology lab (in other words, grad student)
-Medical writer

Four movies I can watch over and over and over:

-Monty Python's Holy Grail
-Monty Python's Life of Brian
-The Princess Bride
-This is Spinal Tap

Four places I've lived:

-Greencastle, Indiana
-Urbana, Illinois
-Paris, France
-Connecticut (small enough that it doesn't matter what city!)

Four places I've vacationed:

-Belize
-Hawaii
-Maine
-Italy

Four of my favorite dishes:

-Stuffed spinach pizza (from Chicago)
-Cheese enchiladas
-Stuffed shells made by my mom
-General Tso's chicken

Four sites I visit daily:

-PerezHilton.com
-Go Fug Yourself
-Blogger
-comcast.net

Four places I would rather be right now:

-Belize
-in the forest, anywhere
-on an African safari
-on a secluded tropical island

I'm not going to tag anybody seeing as it's no longer Friday :)

alarming finding

2007-06-19T18:33:00.000-04:00

The mullet seems to be making a comeback among the Spanish youth. Only it tends to be of the mini-mullet variety, typically curly, and often with the sides shaved. So, basically a broad faux-hawk/curly mini-mullet combo.

Folks, it wasn't pretty.

adios amigos

2007-06-12T08:44:00.000-04:00

They're shipping me off to Barcelona for a few days to attend a conference, so I'll be MIA for the rest of the week, as I have this silly policy of not logging into blogger from my work computer...

So wish me sun, tapas, and sangria, and I will promise not to wet my pants in the street like the last time I visited Barcelona.

Hasta luego!

and you thought you were weird?

2007-06-10T10:31:00.001-04:00

My mother-in-law, never having had any daughters until I came along, is fond of picking up little trinkets here and there for me. Things not appropriate for sons, like jewelry and flip flops and scented hand lotion. Recently, I was the lucky recipient of this handy gadget:
Yes, I'll admit it, I like to tweeze, and these tweezers actually have a little built-in LED light so you can locate each and every stray hair.

But I never should have stuck those things into my belly button, as it resulted in a half-hour ordeal of viewing things I never knew were in there, and then attempting to find the proper implements to remove them while still managing to keep the lighted tweezers in place to pry open and illuminate my little belly cavern. I finally gave up when I realized I was at risk for hurting myself, and besides, who's ever going to rate the area one inch into my belly button for cleanliness? Besides me, that is.

2007-06-09T16:52:00.000-04:00

Last night I saw Ween in concert. They played a ton of stuff, including "Piss Up a Rope", "Voodoo Lady," "Spinal Meningitis," "Waving My Dick in the Wind" and "The HIV Song" (to which the only lyrics are: HIV! AIDS!). Needless to say, it was awesome.

And this afternoon? At the moment I am watching "Krush Groove", the days-in-the-lives dramatization of the early days of rap, featuring Shiela E, LL Kool J, and Run DMC and produced by Russell Simmons. This movie has some of the best outfits ever (and just now as the credits roll I see that the Beastie Boys were in there somewhere?? My god, I will have to watch this again sometime). And up next? "Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo." It's gonna take a lot to get me out of the house.

At least no one can ever accuse me of not enjoying a little variety.

I will randomly click on BlogHer links more often

2007-06-07T19:22:00.001-04:00

Have you heard of the BlogHer network? I don't know a ton about it, but I think I'll find out. Today I had one of those random clicks...you know the ones...those times you're done checking your email and your regular blogs and you just want that one more blurb to read before you log off and actually get any work done? And anyway, it led me to this nice, interesting little post about arranged marriages and then I was, of course, reading the comments and in one of the comments the author of the original blurb wrote:

I want to mention here that I am neutral to the system, as long as I have a choice. Arranged marriage doesn't feel alien even to many of us who haven't played by its rules. If I hadn't found my husband when I did, I may have agreed to go through the process, as long as I had a say in it.

It's similar to choosing the clothes I wear. I love wearing saris and other Indian dresses. I don't think wearing jeans is liberating simply because that's what my sisters in the West wear. But the sari will start feeling oppressive if I don't have the freedom to wear jeans.

And wow. I just really liked that last part.

Go here to read the whole thing.
And here to get to the author's entire blog page.

a propos

2007-06-02T19:31:00.001-04:00

I can't wait to see this movie. I had to post this clip after my experience yesterday. Seeing as we just moved to the area, I hadn't yet found a primary care doctor. So when the fourth day of high fever rolled around, I ended up at the only local walk-in clinic available, which happens to technically be an emergency department. They submitted to our insurance, but I am just waiting to find out how much we will owe when they deny the claim. All I wanted to do was see a doctor because I was sick. I shouldn't have had to spend an hour on the internet trying to figure out which provider was in-network or how to find out before the visit whether or not the insurance company was going to pay.

Anyway, Michael Moore's 'Sicko' comes out June 29th and has earned a lot of praise already, from both sides of the aisle. I hope you'll go see it.

sicko

2007-05-30T18:41:00.001-04:00

I've been running a fever for 2 days now. I only have the energy to write this right now because I pumped myself full of acetaminophen which has brought the fever down temporarily and stopped my muscles (mostly) from feeling like they've been invaded by a tiny battalion of vicious hermit crabs.

Yesterday for lunch I ate potato salad out of a plastic baggie. This morning I had leftover cake for breakfast, a cupcake for lunch, and chips and dip as an afternoon snack. Apparently I cannot be bothered with nutrition at a time like this. I haven't had much of an appetite anyway, so I figured I was justified in eating whatever I wanted, as it's better than not eating at all, right?

This afternoon I had a violent case of the chills--even my fingertips went numb, which I thought was odd, considering I had a temperature of 102. This episode was immediately followed by a sweat that soaked through my nightgown. I'm pretty sure I don't have malaria but with the number of mosquitoes we've had around here lately, I wouldn't be surprised.

---

Update: I wrote the above yesterday and I still feel like shit. Still having massive chills (we're talking about episodes an hour long) followed by massive sweating. I don't particularly mind not having to work but I don't enjoy the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin. Plus I have slight hypochondriacal tendencies so I've already googled West Nile Virus to see if I have it. J suggested Lyme disease, so I'll have to look that up next. Send me some healthy vibes, please!

no good deed goes unpunished

2007-05-25T08:53:00.000-04:00

Poor Jay. I thought I was doing a nice thing, sending her a little good luck charm from Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo in New Orleans. Well, I guess Madame Laveau knows the extent of my non-belief in any kind of religion, voodoo included, because she went and put some kind of stalker-attracting hex on that thing. [Yes, I realize the blatant contradiction within that last sentence...] Check out Jay's blog to read the hilarious yet frightening results (the hilarity part mostly comes from the fact that Jay is an awesome writer, another reason to check her out if you haven't already).

Her story made me think of something that happened to me when I first started grad school. I had just moved into my first "place of my own"...in an apartment complex off-campus. Because parking on campus was ridiculously expensive, I was relieved to find out that there was a bus line that stopped right in front of my apartment complex and went straight to the building where I worked. One day that first fall of school, I was on my way back to my apartment when a man on the bus struck up a conversation with me. Despite the fact that I was not the least bit interested in continuing any kind of relationship with this guy, casual or otherwise, he managed to wrangle my phone number from me. (Was he just that persuasive or was I just that much of an idiot? Probably a bit of both). As a further testament to my stupidity, when I went to exit the bus and he asked "do you live in those apartments?" I believe I told him that yes, I did. (I am cringing thinking about how DUMB I was!) He responded by telling me that he lived across the street, and pointed at a complex of buildings that I had been wondering about. They were clearly not apartments, but I hadn't seen a clear sign so I wasn't sure what they were.

Well, I found out what those buildings were that night...when the guy from the bus called me and told me that he had been in prison (for nothing that was really his fault, of course), and that he was currently living in a halfway house, where he was permitted to have a job but had to be back by curfew. Great, not only was I unknowingly living across the street from a halfway house full of ex-cons, but now one of the residents was sweet on me AND knew my phone number and where I lived. I don't know how I did it, but I did manage to blow the guy off successfully. I probably just stopped answering the phone (or maybe that was when I decided that caller ID would be a really great thing to have?). I do know that I didn't ride the bus for a LONG time after that.

Of course a year or two later I was semi-stalked by the drunk garbageman who moved into the apartment above mine, but that's a story for another time.

imaginary pictures

2007-05-18T17:18:00.000-04:00

Since returning from The Big Easy, I haven't had a chance to upload my pictures...so I thought I'd give you some verbal descriptions of my time there (also, I don't have pics of some of the very best bits)!

Imagine:

1) Two married couples in their 40's--possibly swapping wives for the night, in the audience at a blues show. Both women had blonde 80's poodle hair and kept disappearing into the bathroom for long periods of time. At first we thought, coke? But then after one trip they returned with a third poodly blonde and we thought--recruiting for some kind of little orgy? As you might guess, we spent the entire show watching these people rather than the musicians on stage. Blondie #1 (fake tits almost spilling out) proceeded to get more and more intoxicated as she and Blondie #2 (tall & horsey-faced) groped each other to the great delight of the 2 men. Blondie #1's man did a lot of ass groping, even sticking his hand right into her pants a number of times. The Poodle Girls followed us into the bathroom at one point, where I was sure I would find out more about what their group was up to. Unfortunately, the only action I got to witness in the bathroom was Horsey-Face holding Fake Tits up and leading her into the stall to puke. Post-puke, the action in the audience got even better, as Fake Tits demonstrated her love of licking Horsey-Face's armpit (NOT accidentally, I can assure you), and Fake Tits' man continually poured water into her mouth, grabbing her chin for stability. Whatever their plans were for later, I'm pretty sure nobody was sober enough to make them happen.

2) Things are in full swing on Bourbon Street as we stroll past tranny hookers and bachelorette party groups. Just as we pass some street blockades, some drunk guy lets go of his stomach contents about 2 feet from the cops on duty. They ignore him completely, and he just keeps on drinking.

3) At Jazz Fest, we spot a guy wearing a shirt we'd chuckled at the day before in a gift shop: it had a large picture of a rooster and said "Ask me about my cock." He was spending his day at the Fest roaming with a sharpie marker, asking women to sign the shirt. By the time we saw him a second time, he was passing through the area where we were sitting waiting to hear John Mayer play, seeking out new autographs, though the shirt was getting full of comments. I started reading some of them--some women had played along, while others were obviously more half-hearted in their efforts. I was thinking about what I might write if asked, when a girl seated nearby unknowingly took up my mission. She signed the back of his shirt with "I checked--it's tiny!"

4) This one can't be communicated in a picture anyway...our last night in town, after a day spent drinking at Jazz Fest in the 90-degree heat, we had a huge dinner at Paul Prudhomme's restaurant, K-Paul's Louisiana Kitchen. We scored a great table on the balcony, and enjoyed wonderful food while a little brass group played traditional N'Awlins music on the street below. After dinner, we were all too full and too tired to go do any more drinking, so we retired to our rooms. J and I were sharing a room with my aunt, and [because other activities were off-limits in this situation] we decided to rent a movie. It was after 2 am when the movie ended and we finally turned out the lights. Perhaps as one last compliment to the chef before going to sleep, J let out a huge, long, loud fart. Just as the fart came to its conclusion, we heard a perfectly-timed "woo hoo!" from a reveler on the streets below. I guess there's always something to celebrate on Bourbon Street.

poll

2007-05-11T09:35:00.000-04:00

So, J and I have been invited to some kind of fancy dinner thing with his parents tonight. I love getting dressed up, but almost every nice dress I own is SOOOO 10 or 15 pounds ago. So here's the dilemma...do I wear:

-the cute dress from the plus-size store that I just wore to a work meeting on Tuesday (provides ample coverage but I'm a little bored of it at the moment and because I wear it to work things, does not seem very sexy to me right now)

-a very hot number that shows off the curves (one of those black lace over tan fabric types...sizzling!), but that is dangerous in terms of displaying a belly pooch once I consume any type of food or drink

-an even hotter chiffon tiger print dress that is flowy enough to eliminate any stomach worries, has total cleavage exposure (which, if you were wondering, is a plus in my book), but is just snug enough around the top to create a bit of back fat overflow behind the arms

--a burlap sack

What's a girl to do?

2007-05-02T22:44:00.000-04:00

I'm off to New Orleans for a few days of drunken revelrie, music, gumbo and voodoo. Not necessarily in that order...

queen of procrastination

2007-04-25T08:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's procrastination techniques included several outdoor excursions to see what's blooming. Can you blame me?

I mean, it sure beats what I end up doing when I'm stuck inside:

it's so nice to be needed.

2007-04-20T09:03:00.000-04:00

[to me, with sarcasm]: "I'm so glad you came home..."

[and then, on a serious note]: "Well, I am glad you came home. I was hungry."

I hear the secrets that you keep...

2007-04-16T08:38:00.000-04:00

...when you're talking in your sleep.

Saturday night we went to our friend Crysanthemum's birthday party, and of course I consumed a good amount of wine. After sleeping through the hour-long drive home, I pretty much crawled right into bed when we got back into the house.

I must've managed to get into an interesting state of sleep by the time J came up to bed, because as he was fiddling with his new iPod alarm clock I asked him, apparently very clearly, "What kind of expertise in abstract patterns do you need right now"?

Thank god he had the sense to write my question down. This is the first time any sleep-talking on my part has been documented, and I was as puzzled by the content of my ramblings as J was. The funniest part to me was that the next day he was telling me about this with the expectation that I might be able to explain what the hell I'd been talking about.

Goodbye Kurt.

2007-04-12T11:39:00.000-04:00

"Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be."

"Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why."

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different."

"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center."

"If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind."

"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

Kurt Vonnegut is one of my favorite authors of all time, and he passed away yesterday. I think it's time for me to go back and re-read his books. If you've never read any Vonnegut, you don't know what you're missing. Click here and enjoy.

I love you but now you must die.

2007-04-11T15:25:00.000-04:00

I really, really like bugs. I enjoy looking under rocks to see what kind of bugs I might find. In most cases, if I find a spider in the house, I am more likely to catch it and release it outdoors than to squash it (exceptions: if it's night and the spider is in my bedroom, or if it is in the shower with me). As a kid, I dug up worms and twirled them around the axles of my upside-down plastic shopping cart to play "worm circus". I once caught a praying mantis and kept it in a cage. I don't freak out when a bee is flying near me in the yard.

There are only a couple of bugs that I actively dislike. Silverfish, because they are just gross, and earwigs because they are both gross and scary. To me, the worst horror movie ever would involve an invasion of giant earwigs. In our old house last year, we had a big earwig problem and I was thoroughly creeped out.

Now, because I am a geeky scientist and also a bug lover, I happen to be really

fascinated by social insects, and ants are some of my favorites. A lone ant can do some pretty cool stuff, but as a group, an ant colony is capable of amazing things. Leaf cutter ants are probably my personal favorite--they forage for leaves, which they bring back to their nests not to eat, but to use as a medium for growing fungus, which they do eat. This means that leaf-cutter ants have developed agriculture--they actively grow their own food. Pretty neat.

Now, appreciating ants in the wild is one thing, but nobody likes it when they invade your home. Last year in the old house, on top of the earwigs, we also dealt with a minor ant problem after my brother-in-law and his friends watched the house and left chex mix crumbs all over the living room. They were those small black ants, and a few of those little poison baits took care of them.

Currently, in our new house, we are facing a new vermin problem: carpenter ants: They are a problem for me for a different reason than they would probably be bothersome to other people...I really don't like killing them but I don't like having them crawl around in my dishwasher or in my cupboards. In case you didn't realize, these ants are pretty big. So to me, squishing one of them is almost like squishing a toad. They really are more like little animals to me than they are bugs. Maybe it's the way they sit and groom themselves like cats, or they cute way they carry big food crumbs or their dead friends around, but I really feel bad when I have to hear their little bodies go "pop" beneath my thumb and a paper towel.

I've put the poison baits out, but they haven't seemed to have had much of an effect. So I keep on squishing and cringing to myself. I did discover that squirting them with Simple Green or my Lysol kitchen cleaner also kills them, but they do flail around a little before they die. Today I got so frustrated when one crawled around while I was heating up my soup that I took the pot off the stove and shook the ant onto the burner. It seemed to do the trick pretty quickly, but I felt kind of sadistic about it.

The good news is that I just read something that suggested they are more of a nuisance than anything (an exterminator's ad made it sound like they would eat your house) so we certainly won't have to resort to fogging the house or doing anything so nasty. I *have* always wanted an ant farm, after all...

I am not making this up, I swear.

2007-04-04T12:27:00.000-04:00

Last night I caught him masturbating on the La-Z-Boy...AGAIN! I will have to check the blanket for stains. I felt bad interrupting him--I mean, you should have seen the look of dopey pleasure on his face.

At first I wasn't sure what he was doing, I thought maybe something was wrong with him. But the second time I caught him, I decided to check more closely and, sure enough, his arousal was physically evident.

I googled the problem, and they say this can be an obsessive-compulsive kind of thing and that sometimes medication helps. But I figure, as long as it's not hurting anybody (and not leaving stains on the crocheted blanket we received as a wedding gift--he really seems to like that blanket A LOT), then what's the harm?

Could you deny this sweet face a few moments of carnal pleasure?

2007-03-29T14:03:00.000-04:00

Part of me really does enjoy being domestic. I don't really mind making J's lunch in the morning--if nothing else, it ensures that I get up in time to have a few moments to myself after he leaves and before I start work.

But sometimes you just have to make sure he really appreciates that sandwich you got up early to make...and that everyone at his office knows what's up too.

time for a photo update!

2007-03-28T14:31:00.000-04:00

[Click on any photo to see a larger version]

With so many trees outside our windows, you might guess that we get lots of birds around here. We get bluejays, woodpeckers, tufted titmice, and chickadees. But so far, I'm most excited about our resident pair of cardinals. I see at least the male pretty much every day, and I'm convinced that they're nesting beneath my forsythia bush. Here's a shot of the male. Isn't he handsome?? (His lady friend is pretty cute too!)

Speaking of birds, when I first saw these tracks, I thought we had landed in Jurassic park (the round ones are dog prints):

But, it was only a rafter (yes, that's the actual term!) of wild turkeys:

Betcha didn't know that turkeys can fly, did ya? Here they are, up in the trees at dusk (that's about all the flying they do, as far as I know...getting up into their roosts for the night). They seem to like the tall trees just behind the house. See that one in the middle near the bottom? That one's on his way up.

Of course, there are the deer:

We finally had some warm weather yesterday, so I took a walk down to the stream:

One of my favorite things about the property is that there's MOSS EVERYWHERE. Moss is one of my favorite things in the world.

Anybody know much about plants? I found a few of these popping up near the stream, and am very excited to find out what they are:

Finally, here's a birthday shout-out to Miss Loki, who turned 12 this week. Here she is in our den/kitchen (see our new kitchen table in the back? notice the lack of cat hair on the sofa? I am compelled to take pictures whenever I clean now, because things never stay that way for long).

2007-03-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, but I spent all of last week out of town on business. A few notes from the road:

-I have become WAY too accustomed to my telecommuter habit of wearing sweats and slippers to work. One full day in a suit and heels and I was literally hobbling back to my room at the end of the night.

-I love that almost all public restrooms now have those paper toilet covers. Nothing worse than sitting in someone else's splatter (of course it's always the squatters who are too afraid to let their ass cheeks touch a potentially dirty toilet seat that end up leaving the seats covered in piss drops).

-At one hotel, every time I called room service or the front desk or whatever from my room, they addressed me by name. I thought this was a really nice touch, until I let my alcoholic friend crash in the room with me after a night out and she puked in the bed. At that point I was really longing for anonymity.

-On a related note, flying with a hangover sucks.

upon returning from another business trip

2007-03-18T21:55:00.000-04:00

he: "I'm sad when you're gone."

she: "You're probably just sad because I'm not there to make your lunch and your coffee and wash out your thermos for you in the morning and so you have to rush around like crazy before work and it throws off your whole day."

he: "Well, no, when you're not here I do all that before I go to bed."